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No matter who wins next week,
the revisionists will be real busy
By
CHUCK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
It's the morning after the election and either Al Gore or George W. has won the right to have "Hail to the Chief" on his clock radio all the time. Our hardworking friends in the media will tell us who won, of course, and then in the wee hours of November 8, they'll go to sleep and so will we.
But more remains to be done.
In the weeks that follow the election, we must be treated to uncounted stories about either Al or W. as they prepare to place the hand on the Bible. So here's a preview of what you're going to be hearing and reading, and some other tidbits, after we have elected our new Commander-in-Chief:
If Al Gore wins
We'll be working our way through a horde of news stories about what a relaxed, funny, guy Al Gore really is as opposed to all those news stories before November 7 about what a stiff, condescending and humorless cardboard cutout he was. President-elect Al will have the wit of Voltaire and the friendliness of Lassie compared with Candidate Al. Will he have changed? No. It's just that everyone loves a winner.
Funny, relaxed Al will be able to slip gratefully back into his dark blue suit, white shirt and sincere tie instead of all those &*#! earth tones someone told him he needed to wear to appeal to the hearts and … well, the hearts… of the undecided rustics in swing states.
The fact that Gore spent most of his formative years in Washington D.C., today regarded as a campaign liability, will be transformed into a major asset the day after the election. Pundits will tell us how wonderful it is that we have someone in the White House who knows how Washington works, rather than some outlander who will spend half of his first term trying to get an outside line.
There will be pledges from one or two Republican Congressional leaders that they will seek to work with the incoming Democratic president "to get something done for the American people." Those utterances will come from the few Republicans able to totter out to face the press from the closed-door, cudgel-swinging search for someone to blame.
Oh, yes, there will be blood on the Republican floor, all right. The Washington GOP crowd will screech that had those dumb cowboys from Texas just gotten out of the way, W. would have coasted in by following the advice of those who know which District cocktail parties to attend for 10 minutes and which to attend for half an hour.
There will be a public rapprochement between Bill and Al, with Hillary, regardless of whether she wins or loses her New York race, in the background. Al will say he will turn to Bill for advice frequently. He might as well say that, because he's going to be getting it anyway. What else will Bill have to do? Except work on his legal bills?
If W. wins
There will be a great number of stories saying: Whoops! That W. is really a serious person! And he didn't do all that badly at Yale! All things considered! So give the guy a break! It will be accompanied by a sidebar listing all the famous people--Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein will be mentioned--who didn't do well in school. For those canny readers who by now have noticed, yes, it's true: If Gore wins, the press will morph him into the fun-loving, friendly guy that Candidate W. is; if W. wins, the press will morph him into the serious, smart person that Candidate Gore is.
And expect a parallel spate of stories describing W.'s inner circle of advisers, with the implication that even if the president-elect has the IQ of navel lint, he has lots of really, really good folks with him who will give him stature. Dick Cheney will lead the pack of those who lend gravitas-by-transfusion, followed closely by George Schultz and Colin Powell. The message: Hey, the country's going to be in good hands, even if we did elect W. president.
You will hear or read the phrase "Austin Mafia" 43,786 times in the first month after the election.
Democrats will dutifully troop to the microphones to say, "Well, if he really meant what he said about working with both parties to get things done in Washington, we're ready to meet him halfway." Behind closed doors, the Democrats will be furious with one another. Accusations will be made. Threats will be uttered. Teeth will be gnashed.
At least half a dozen pundits in national media will let readers in on how surpassingly stupid Gore's campaign was, although the people behind the decisions that made the campaign so inept will always be described as bright and "tough." The same columnists would have described Gore's campaign as clever, judicious and far-seeing had he won. (The same iron illogic, of course, will apply to Bush. If he loses, the Austin crowd should have stuck with cow-pokin'. They just weren't up for prime time. If he wins, by golly, those Texans were much, much smarter than that tired Washington crowd).
We will see at least one story in a serious national publication about the virtues of ostrich skin cowboy boots vs. crocodile. Have we ever had a barbecued state dinner?
© 2000 by Charles M. McFadden. The cartoon image is from the IMSI Master/Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA 94901-5506, USA.
McFadden used to cover politics for The Associated Press.
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