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Things may look up this year...or maybe not
of TheColumnists.com
Here we are in 2005 already, and a right jolly little year it promises to be. It has to be better than the way 2004 ended, with more than 120,000 innocents killed during the Christmas weekend.
What do you suppose we’re in for this year? You have some thoughts about 2005, don’t you? Well, sure you do. Write your predictions down. I did.
At his Undisclosed Location, Vice President Dick Cheney explains that global warming is a liberal plot. Meanwhile, Alaskans develop a taste for rum drinks with little umbrellas.
A major American automobile manufacturer unveils a hybrid SUV that weighs 4,800 pounds and gets 35 miles per gallon; the first 30 sold blow up in their garages.
Woody Allen holds a news conference, removes his trademark glasses, and reveals that all along he’s actually been Howard Hughes.
In an effort to woo union workers to the Republicans, Karl Rove convinces President Bush to travel commercial to a summit in Rome; his luggage winds up in Caracas.
The “Amend for Arnold” movement does indeed manage to amend the U.S. Constitution to make non-native-born citizens eligible for the presidency. Tony Blair announces he is forming an exploratory committee.
Three fundamentalist Christian pastors hold a news conference to announce that the Christmas weekend earthquake and tsunami were God’s retribution against Hindus, Muslims and Buddhists “for not keeping the Christ in Christmas.”
Clint Eastwood directs the epic drama of a hardscrabble blue-state family that makes plans to emigrate to Canada after the election only to discover that Canadians drink beer out of cans.
In February, a reporter for The New York Times begins counting how many times Hilary Clinton says, “I’m just trying to be the most effective senator I can be for the people of New York. It’s much too early to speculate about presidential politics of 2008.” The reporter gives up in early March when the count hits 7,628.
Tony Danza starts a second television talk show in which he reminisces about the 3,412 television series he has starred in; Dick Wolf creates "Law & Order: Silicon Valley," depicting a police team that uncovers unscrupulous breast-augmentation surgeons.
"Osama, the Musical" opens in London’s West End but closes almost immediately after three fundamentalist Christian pastors hold a news conference protesting the production’s “blasphemous” portrayal of George W. Bush.
Producers of the Academy Awards seek something that will boost their show’s television ratings; they briefly consider a wardrobe malfunction; three fundamentalist Christian pastors denounce the amount of cleavage displayed by female Oscar nominees; ratings soar.
Scientists announce they have found a way to clone ballpoint pens; CBS pronounces reality TV dead and announces a new type of television program where people called “actors” pretend to be someone else and recite lines on camera from a prepared “script”; Donald Trump buys Delaware and tells the governor “You’re fired!”
©2005 by Charles M. McFadden. The McFadden caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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