 "I know it was a mistake to have 32 illegal aliens living in my basement and I don't blame you for being deeply concerned over the issues involved, but if you'll confirm me for the cabinet post, I promise to have sex with each of you for free!" |
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Say the magic words in politics
--and you may be home free!
"When ideas
fail, words come in very handy. "
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832)
By
CHUCK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
"FREE."
"SEX."
"YOU."
A study done for an advertising agency long ago concluded that those three words are the ones most likely to entice a reader into gobbling up the full text of an ad.
Think it works that way? Some people probably do. Words enlighten, entertain, or motivate us. Television, radio, magazines, newspapers, the Web…someone, somewhere, is using words, or combinations of words, to cajole, seduce, threaten or charm us.
Politicians and their handlers (that's an interesting word right there, come to think of it) depend more than most on the use of words to influence others. Words are tools to them, just as they were to William Shakespeare. Old Will used them to construct plays. Politicians use them to change reality, or try to. Sometimes the way they use words makes you want to grab them by the lapels and shake them hard.
Take, for instance, their use, all the damn time, of the word "concerned." Here's a candidate behind in the polls. Then his opponent comes out against Motherhood, God and Apple Pie. All three.
"Motherhood? What's the big deal?" he says. "My mother was a louse. Furthermore, there is no God. I'm an atheist. And apple pie is overrated."
What does the other candidate say when informed of this act of self-immolation? He says he's "concerned" about the views expressed by his opponent. Maybe "deeply concerned."
In truth, he is neither. He is overjoyed. "Oh, Lordy, thank you, thankyouthankyou" he is saying to himself. "I have a lock on this election now. A lock, a lock, a lock, tra-la, I am going to win, win, WIN!"
But he doesn't say that publicly. No, he's "concerned" or he "has concerns" about his opponent's views on apple pie. That's because he knows very well that the American voter has not yet reached the stage where a candidate can substitute candor for hypocrisy. So voters get gobbets of smarmy.
A POLITICIAN is caught making love to a goat on the front steps of the state Capitol building. Does he admit that his sexual habits are, at the very least, exotic? Not a bit of it. He says he "made a mistake."
Did an elected official steal money from the taxpayers? She made a mistake.
Caught accepting bribes from Osama bin Laden? Made a mistake.
Much better, you see, to make a mistake than to actually do something wrong.
Did our man in Congress pat fannies and threaten staffers with firing if they told? And he gets found out anyway and has to 'fess up?
"I'm not proud of what I did," he tells reporters.
Well, who thinks he should be? But reporters usually let him off with that imbecility while he hopes he can survive.
The favorite word, as seen above, is "deeply." No politician, ever, merely "regrets" something. If he is to register at all, he has to "deeply regret" the president's decision not to name the politician's brother-in-law as secretary of commerce.
Someone dies and expressions of sorrow are called for? Politicians are not "saddened." They are "deeply saddened." Much more stately.
Pipsqueaks are irritated. Statesmen are deeply angered.
Politicians are perhaps the worst offenders at using words to gauze up reality. For them it's a survival technique. But those in the "helping professions" run them a close second.
Here is a heroin addict. He has an IQ of 75. He's been diagnosed with lung cancer. Does he have problems? No, he does not have problems. He has "issues."
In today's nicey-nice lexicon, the word "problem" has been banished. We don't have problems any more, we just have "issues" that are going to have to be "dealt with."
"Problem" is too negative a word for some people. A problem is more of an obstacle than an issue seems to be. A problem must be "overcome," which is harder than "dealt with," which is what you can do with an issue. Kind of open-ended, leaving all kinds of options.
Someday an algebra teacher is going to cover the chalkboard with a series of issues.
Did someone die? No. He "completed living."
The worst thing about it all is the public tolerance of this kind of poppycock. To publicly call someone on deceptive, hypocritical, or nonsensical use of language is viewed as pointing out the unimportant, being impolite, or at the very least, violating good taste.
But it's not an innocent practice, this business of disguising truth through words. It helps us depart from reality, and unless you're writing a movie script, that's not usually a good thing to do. We can't make things better for ourselves unless we know where we are and what we face.
Remember what someone wise once pointed out: In the last analysis, black is, after all, not white.
© 2001 by Charles M. McFadden. The illustrations are from the IMSI Master/Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA 94901-5506, USA.
Chuck McFadden, a former political reporter, overcomes his problems in the Oakland Hills.
You can comment on this column or contact Chuck McFadden with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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