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What could be easier than
sewing on a button?
of TheColumnists.com
I want you to know I was very brave.
Our story begins about six years ago, when I bought a colorful sport shirt in the Old Town section of San Diego. Well, I think it was colorful. Others said when I had it on, it was hard to tell in which direction I was walking. Nonetheless. Great shirt. Loved it dearly.
But then one day a button fell off. It was the button placed at the apex of my then-paunch. A button at that particular place was, well, I won’t say it was a necessity, but it was a button with responsibilities. I will entertain no notion that the button popped off because of strain. It did not pop off. It just sort of fell off. What became of it remains a mystery. Probably went to the same place socks go.
Anyway, it needed to be replaced. The manufacturer of the shirt had thoughtfully attached a spare button. So one problem was already solved.
“Take it to Anatoly,” my wife said. Anatoly is the guy who does repairs and adjustments on our clothing. My wife is a practical woman. Knows nothing of the ways of Real Men Confronted with a Crisis, but a practical woman. Take it to Anatoly, zip, zip, and the shirt is back in action. Maybe to the tune of five or maybe even 10 bucks.
So I did the practical thing. I put the shirt away, vowing to put the button back on by myself someday. Someday.
Not long ago, The Day arrived. Enough is enough after what, five years?
Sewing on a button is one of those simple homey little tasks that everyone knows how to do. How hard could it be? So I got ahold of the shirt and rooted around in a catch-all drawer until I found one of those little sewing kits you get at some hotels. Aha. I was on my way.
I haven’t sewn on many buttons in my lifetime, but how complicated could it be? Just a matter of looping thread around the shirt material and the button, right? Go through the holes in the button, etc. I’ve seen it done. Nothing to it, really.
But first, I had to thread the needle. It took all of 10 minutes before I said the hell with it. This was a job for Anatoly.
When I returned the sewing kit to the drawer, though, I discovered another sewing kit. One that had pre-threaded needles! Victory was mine!
Do you start by poking the needle up from underneath and have it emerge through one of the holes in the button, or do you initially thrust it down through the hole in the button, and then bring it back up? I elected to poke it up from underneath. That was a lot harder, and it’s been my experience in things of this nature that if it’s the harder way to do it, that’s the way it’s done.
There is no guidance system aboard a needle being poked up from underneath. It doesn’t find the hole in the button on its own. It finds your finger and jabs it on its own, but not the hole in the button.
It wasn’t enough of a wound to bleed, thankfully, but I was in pain. Nonetheless, I managed to jab the needle through the hole in the button, bring up the thread, and poke the needle back down through the other hole in the button. Let the record show that I did this several times before jabbing myself again. Then I discovered that I was somehow looping the thread around the outside edge of the shirt. I don’t know how I did that. I guess it could have worked that way, but it looked odd. The only thing to do was cut the thread and start over again. I had enough thread left, didn’t I? Didn’t I?
Jab, poke, curse, repeat. Eventually, I had enough thread connecting the button to the shirt so that I could consider stopping. Wasn’t there something about poking the needle through a loop underneath to wind things up securely? Sure. Just leave some thread behind on your next pass, and then, when you go down again and emerge on the other side, poke the needle through the loop you’ve left and tighten it up.
Except the loop is wiggly, or drunk, or something. Every time I attempt to poke the needle through it, the damn thing starts dodging from side to side like a demented cobra or it falls over and lies flat against the cloth. I considered scooping it up with the sharp end of the needle, but I knew how that would end.
So, I stopped everything, put the shirt down on my knee, and used one of my wounded fingers to lift the loop up. Then, cautiously, I managed to lift the shirt back to battle stations without having the damn loop start bobbing and weaving or collapse again.
It all ended successfully. Well, there was quite a bit of thread jutting out this way and that. I cut it all away, praying that I wasn’t cutting the actual thread that held the button on, but it turned out all right. The button was securely attached. Bring it on, world! This button can take it!
So that’s how I saved five or 10 bucks. Maybe more. I don’t know how much Anatoly would charge for sewing on a button, or even if he would consider doing what he would regard as such a petty job.
But the next time a button falls off, I’m going to find out.
©2007 by Charles M. McFadden. The McFadden caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted March 19, 2007.
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