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'SARAH' PARANOIA
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Palin vs. Putin? Kind of
gives you shivers, right?
of TheColumnists.com
Vladimir Putin was worried, no doubt about it. He paced back and forth in his Kremlin office, hands behind his back, occasionally glaring at his faithful companion, Dmitri Medvedev.
“Those damned Americans!” Putin said for what Medvedev thought must have been the 30th time that afternoon. “They’ve got it in for us this time, no doubt about it! I don’t know what we’re going to do to get past this, I really don’t, Dmitri.”
“It can’t be as bad as all that, Vladimir,” Medvedev said in his most reassuring tone. “After all, she’s just a woman.”
“Just a woman? Just a woman? Dmitri, Sarah Palin is a hockey mom! And you know what they say about hockey moms and pit pulls and lipstick! She shoots moose! Eats mooseburgers! She was a member of the PTA! She was for the Bridge to Nowhere! Before she was against it! People think she said, 'Thanks, but no thanks!' Make no mistake, she will make a formidable adversary if she ever gets to be the vice president of her country!”
“But Vladimir, how worried do we have to be about her, really? After all, she’s had no foreign policy experience. We’ll be able to pull the wool over her eyes with no trouble at all.”
“Are you kidding? She says you can actually see Russia from one of the remote islands in that state of hers. She’s on their front line in their struggle with us.”
“But, Vladimir, how knowledgeable can she be? She didn’t even have a passport until about a year and a half ago.”
“She was a small town mayor before she was a governor! She removed her political enemies! She rewards her friends! She talked about yanking books she didn’t like out of the town library! She’s formidable, I tell you.”
Dmitri Medvedev tried to look confident as he tried a new tack to placate his fuming boss.
“Look, Vladimir, again, what have we really got to worry about? It’s a free election over there, after all. The Americans won’t elect a person with no foreign policy experience, no economic knowledge, no background in American national issues, who tells whoppers, who …”
Putin interrupted with a glare.
“Dmitri, try not to be too stupid. Tens of millions of Americans will vote for her because they think she’s 'adorable.' That’s as far as their thinking goes. They say she’s “down to Earth.” She says she likes guns. For those people, that’s all it takes. Look at what they did last time - elected someone they thought they’d “like to have a beer with.” You think those people consider experience and knowledge? Actual ability? Get with it, Dmitri. We could for sure be dealing with this dreadful woman this January, Lenin forbid.”
“But don’t forget, Vladimir, the American newspapers and television networks keep reporting things--like her position on abortion--that most Americans disagree with.”
“Yes, but every time they do, they get drowned out by the Republicans shouting that they’re picking on her! And being sexist! Which the American Elite Eastern Media dutifully report about themselves! Idiots.”
Putin sat down on a couch, his head in his hands.
“There’s really only one thing we can do to save the situation,” he said. “Dmitri, you and I have to hold a news conference.”
“A news conference?” Medvedev looked puzzled. “What for?”
“It’s our only chance. We’ll hold a news conference and say we’re all for Palin. We like the way she operates. We’ll say she’s in close proximity to Russia, and people can draw their own conclusions. We’ll say she’s a person we can do business with. We’ll say we like her style. And depth of knowledge. And hairdo.
“Come to think of it, we’ll try for a double whammy. We’ll denounce Barack Obama at the same time as a fiendish capitalist Christian who will use everything he can to solve America’s economic problems and put the Americanskis ahead of us and everyone else. We’ll say that’s unfair. We’ll say his middle name is really Winslow.”
“Vladimir, with respect, who would believe all this?”
“Dmitri, we’re talking about people who think Rush Limbaugh makes sense. They don’t have to believe us. All we have to do is leave the impression that we like Palin and we’re scared of Obama. That will do it. We’ll have the Americans thinking Palin is some sort of Russian mole and Obama is a combination of John Wayne and Warren Buffet. And so he’ll win. And we won’t have to worry about Palin any more.”
Medvedev sighed.
“I’ll start the ball rolling, Vladimir,” he said quietly.
Then he sighed again, wistfully.
“Dmitri, why are you looking so sad all of a sudden?” Putin demanded. “I’ve just shown the way out of this Palin problem.”
“I know Vladimir, I know. But she is really, really, you know, adorable.”
©2008 by Charles M. McFadden. The McFadden caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The cartoon is from IMSI's Master/Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted on Sept. 22, 2008.
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