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Predictions Spew Forth
From Our Discount Oracle
of TheColumnists.com
What, you thought you could tiptoe this far into the new year without a set of 2009 predictions from me? You’d have a better chance teaching the governor of Illinois to avoid the F word.
Step right up. Herewith McFadden the Seer’s list of 10 things that will for sure happen during the next 12 months. Read and be amazed.
* Six months into the Obama Administration, a group of African-American “leaders” will hold a news conference to announce that Obama has not appointed a sufficient number of African-Americans to his administration.
* There will be a constant series of frilly articles about Michelle Obama’s clothing, hairdo and “style,” in contrast to eight years of yawns over Laura Bush’s wardrobe. Mrs. Bush’s admirers, however, will say that Michelle Obama’s election night outfit made it look as if her stomach exploded.
* Within a year, Larry Summers, the former treasury secretary and former president of Harvard, will resign as economic adviser after a series of behind-the-scenes blowups over economic policy.
* Every reporter who covered the 2008 presidential campaign will come out with a book purporting to reveal hitherto unknown facts and anecdotes about the Obama and McCain campaigns. The ratio of unflattering revelations about the McCain campaign vs. Obama’s: 10-1.
* George W. Bush will campaign for additional contributions to his presidential library fund. He will receive 27,514 coloring books.
* Sarah Palin will continue to give speeches on behalf of the Republican Party in the South and parts of the Midwest. In a time of major recession in the newspaper industry, editors will nonetheless hire specialized reporters who claim to be able to figure out what she’s saying.
* Fox News will report that one of Obama’s daughters flunked a pop quiz at the Sidwell Friends school that both of his daughters attend. The Republican National Committee will issue a news release calling for an investigation.
* A female American physician in Afghanistan will campaign against the genital mutilation of girls to make them “pure.” Three mullahs will call for her assassination on grounds of immorality.
* A Republican member of the House will be investigated for inappropriate relations with a 14-year old girl. His office will issue a statement saying he didn’t do anything wrong, and at least it was a girl.
* Gasoline prices will start to climb again, and so will sales of SUVs. General Motors will open a new SUV assembly plant and junk plans for a full-sized car that will get 45 miles per gallon. When regular hits $4.14 per gallon in May 2009 and SUV sales tank, the company will ask for an additional bailout, declaring it was not at fault for gyrations in the price of fuel.
©2009 by Charles M. McFadden. The McFadden caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel. The cartoon is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.This column first posted on Jan. 12, 2009.
TO ACCESS CHUCK McFADDEN'S ARCHIVE OF COLUMNS ON THIS SITE, CLICK HERE: McFADDEN ARCHIVE.
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