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Can You Imagine.... George W. on 'General Hospital'? |
 "Watch carefully as I do this larna...larry...larnerget...aw, heck, you know what I mean!" |
If W. played a kindly doc on a soap, he could practice lots of big words
By
CHUCK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
IT'S BEEN BRUITED about in the media that President Bush has a little trouble from time to time with the English language. The words don't always proceed smoothly forward when he speaks, critics claim. Sentences tend to wander, turn back, reach dead ends, retreat and then rush pell-mell to a triumphant, earnest, but not entirely satisfactory, conclusion, they add.
Unkind Democrats suggest that there is a basic disconnect between his brain and his mouth. They have been joined in that by even less-kind newspaper columnists, comedians and at least one comic strip.
Replying to reporters' questions, the president relies on platitudes to get him through the ordeal. He sometimes grabs an assertive but safe phrase and rides it through to the end like a white water rafter in a tough stretch of river.
I think it's a gene thing, inherited from his old man, who had his own word troubles from time to time. Ironically, the president's trouble with syntax lends credence to the notion that he is a dauphin president--wouldn't be there if his father, George I, had not occupied the White House. There is even whispered nastiness that the president is not in the stratosphere when it comes to ze little gray cells.
All probably unfair. Hey, the guy is an M.B.A., for Pete's sake.
W. actually has two problems, I would argue:
1. He doesn't always talk as gracefully as he'd like.
2. He needs to spruce up the old authoritative image.
Here is the solution.
The president gets a role in a soap opera playing a doctor.
Ridiculous,
you say? Not a bit. It's the best thing for him to do. Think
about it. A cast member on a daytime drama has to learn his lines
quickly, speak them convincingly, and no deer-in-the-headlights
nonsense. And you have to do it day in and day out. What could
be better therapy for W's syntax problem?
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It's the same principle as rehabilitation work on people who have been in auto accidents. Find new neural routes. A couple of grueling months playing kindly Dr. Billum on a network soap opera will reroute and fortify W's oral neurons and synapses to such a degree that before you know it, he'll sound as impressive as Charlton Heston discussing rocket launchers.
Here's the beauty part. At the same time W is acquiring his mellifluous new skill set, millions of voters will see him as a doctor on television. He'll be creating a new image for himself. Kindly. Authoritative. Experienced. Answer for everything.
How can America resist?
Three months after putting on the white coat and learning how to tuck a stethoscope in the pocket, W. will have solved both his problems. And the polls will be up, up, up.
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Now, I'll be the first to admit that there might be some slight logistical and other problems associated with the president of the United States taking a role on a television soap opera, but they can be overcome. If an actor can become president of the United States, the president of the United States can become an actor.
I suppose it's possible that W. might get to like acting so much he may never want to go back to being president full time. Who wants to mess with Kosovo and ethnic Albanian discontent when you can be a kindly counselor? Who would you rather hang with? Julia Roberts? Or Putin?
Not really a worry, though. In the unlikely event that show business goes to the president's head, we'll get Dick Cheney to take W. aside and speak to him firmly and quietly.
Like a doctor.
© 2001 by Charles
M. McFadden. The cartoons are from IMSI's Master/Clips Collection,
1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
Chuck McFadden is a former political reporter.
You can comment on this column or contact Chuck McFadden with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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