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WITH WINGS?
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Selling to that captive audience in the sky
of TheColumnists.com
At any given moment around the world, there exists a vast horde of humanity that is cramped, ill-fed, and hoping that freedom will come soon. You cannot help but feel pity for them. They are unable to help themselves and their fate rests completely in the hands of strangers.
You’ve already guessed, right? They are the tens of thousands of people flying economy in commercial airliners. There they are, at 35,000 feet inside their metal tube, munching peanuts for lunch, if they’re lucky, and desperately hoping the person ahead of them keeps his seat in a full upright position.
They are a captive audience, a fact that our entrepreneurial society quickly recognized. The result has been soporific airline magazines talking about how one of the airline’s ramp agents has started an orphanage, or donated blood for 50 years, or some other act of selfless human kindness that makes you want to grab for the barf bag. The idea is that you will then subliminally transfer the ramp agent’s manifest wonderfulness to the entire airline, which is like thinking Bernie Madoff wears nice suits, so invest with him and make a fortune.
There is, however, airborne entertainment to be found in the most unexpected (to the airline) places. I refer to the airborne catalogs. Surely you’ve seen them--the “mall in the sky” type thing. The latest one I saw a few weeks ago had a cover featuring a young couple having a wonderful time running into each other with motorized, inflatable “bumper boats” in some hotel pool. Whee!
A couple of things spring to mind. Are the motorized bumper boats provided by the hotel where these people were disporting themselves? Or do they bring them along themselves? Who are we selling to here? Hotel managers? Surely not to grown-up, but still adolescent people who would actually travel with these things, God forbid, on a plane?
But the cover only gives you a hint of the treasures inside. How about a watch that has a camcorder hidden inside? “Wherever you go with your mini camcorder on wrist, (sic) you’ll know for sure that you won’t missanything! (sic). “No one can find out that you are spying on something for your own security,” the ad copy goes on mysteriously.
A good companion gadget is the microphone that lets you hear conversations from 300 feet away. “Perfect for when you really need to know what’s going on!” Or you can order from an assortment of pens that record video and sound without--and this is important--anyone knowing.
Then there are the folks who want you to “help strengthen your health with the latest ancient technology.” That’s right. Today’s ancient technology. It’s an electronic gadget that, when passed over your body, signals when it reaches a point where acupuncture is called for.
How about slippers with tiny little headlights mounted in front? “No more running into doors, furniture, or anything not easily seen in the dark!” the ad declares. Staying with footwear, we have aerating sandals. They come with 26 steel spikes protruding one and one-half inches each from the underside of each sandal. You strap them onto your shoes, then walk across your lawn, poking holes that help allow air, water and nutrients to reach the roots. Never mind what the neighbors think when they see you stomping across your lawn. Look purposeful. And don’t forget the solar-powered mole repeller “that drives them out with annoying vibrations.”
The exclamation point is a vital part of the merchandising effort.
“A fresh approach to health & wellness through the water you drink, as well as the air you breathe!” says an ad for what is described as a personal oxygen system that will help you “combat the effects of aging by means of oxygen therapy, oxygenated water & a built-in Vitamin Enhancement Filter.” Ampersands, as you might appreciate, also play a vital role.
“Whimsical” is the word of choice to describe a baking pan set that will give you a “GIANT” eight-inch cupcake. “Personalized” is big, with a doormat that gives the latitude and longitude of your house, or you might fancy a personalized world traveler map that comes with 40 red pins to show where you’ve been. It features a personalized metal crest that says something like “The Miller Family Travels.” Or you could get a personalized hometown necklace, featuring a personalized silver charm in shape of your home state, with a laser-cut personalized star in the charm showing where your hometown is. You can also get a personalized hometown jigsaw puzzle.
Lord only knows what the recession is doing to all these ever-hopeful hucksters. After all, folks eyeing the family budget may not be leaning toward purchase of a “wainscoted cabinet” in white or walnut that keeps your cat’s litter box out of sight.
I guess it’s all a testimonial to the aggressiveness and entrepreneurial spirit that made this country great. And who’s against innovation? Even if it’s a chrome-plated steel toilet paper dispenser that holds three extra rolls, plus magazines. Only $30 at your nearest airplane.
©2009 by Charles M.
McFadden. The McFadden caricature is ©2001 by Jim Hummel.
The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895
Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column
first posted June 29, 2009.
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