 One of the political parties narrows down the list of presidential candidates |
SURVIVOR! TV SPECTACLE for 2004 Conventions? |
How To Jack Up TV Ratings: Hold Conventions on A Desert Island
By
CHUCK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
In
1952, CBS, ABC and NBC devoted 50 hours each to coverage of the
Republican and Democratic national conventions. In 2000, they
devoted something on the order of five hours to each. Period.
Finito.
Pundits gnashed their teeth about that. "How are we going
to have a pumped electorate unless they watch hours and hours
of fat bald guys making speeches about excise taxes?" they
complained. "Voters will have no basis upon which to make
their wise and judicious choices without watching thousands of
middle-aged people wear funny hats and jump up and down and yell."
Lament no further, pundits. All we need here is a little fresh
thinking. I have a plan that both Democratic and Republican convention
planners will want to adopt immediately for the 2004 conventions,
thus restoring national politics to its rightful place in the
forefront of the American consciousness -- maybe right up there
with Regis.
Ready? Here it is: The Survivors Primary.
All of the recognized, legitimate candidates in each party's
primary race are taken to a deserted island and provided food,
water and cudgels. They are given various communal tasks to perform,
and thereby can judge each other on how well they contribute
to the common good. At the end of each day, the candidates gather
and vote on who shall be expelled. The candidate who is remaining
at the end of four, five, six or seven days, depending on the
number of candidates, is the party's official nominee.
Drama. Competition. Cunning. Charm. Guile. Treachery. Not much
different than the way it is now, really. All televised, of course.
Then we could have some sort of proper welcoming home ceremony
for the Survivor of each party. Maybe a victory procession, with
maidens scattering soft money in the winner's path. The two party
Survivors run against each other in the November election.
Now, there may be some purists out there who may raise objections
on grounds that the conventions would be eliminated by such a
procedure, never mind the ratings. They may also point out that
the party's presidential nominee would be chosen without the
benefit of voting. That is exactly the kind of negative thinking
that too often prevents our great nation from Moving On To New
Beginnings.
Voter participation has been going down, down, down for years.
Why not put the primary election voters out of their misery and
throw in a terrific television show as well? Besides, with the
kind of ratings that, say, a Survivors Democratic Primary Show
would bring, voter participation in the November general election
would be through the roof, so who needs the conventions?
You start talking deserted island, you get some real insights
into what sort of people the candidates are, compared with today's
effete news conferences, airport rallies and TV commercials with
the candidate's family. On Primary Survivors, a hit piece would
be a hit piece. And think of the money that would be saved on
red, white and blue balloons alone, not to mention hospitality
suites and hangover remedies.
Transition pains? We'll have four years to put the Survivor system
into effect. Besides, the cynical among us would point out that
the scenario outlined above isn't much different from what the
Reform Party went through this year in Long Beach.
Corporate sponsors would swarm all over this. "The Survivors
Republican Primary Show! Brought to you by Acme Flamethrowers!
You got a problem? Solve it with Acme!"
It can't miss, I tell you. The ultimate in reality programming.
Great summer replacement stuff, good for at least 13 weeks per
party. Let's get the networks and the pols together ASAP and
put politics back in American life along with "The Sopranos,"
"Monday Night Football" and "The Young and the
Restless." If it doesn't draw ratings, hey, we'll cancel
the election.
© 2000 by Charles M. McFadden. The cartoon is © 2000
by Jim Hummel.
| Home | About Us | Archives | Talkback | Shopping Mall |