|
BAD DAY for the Big Guy Upstairs |
 "I am wroth like you wouldn't believe!" sayeth the Lord to his archangels and various gofers. |
HE doesn't like it when they
put words in his mouth!
By CHUCK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
GOD was having a bad day.
“The Old Man is really mad,” said the chief deputy archangel to the vice chief deputy archangel as they hurried past the Pearly Gates toward the Great Chamber.
When they arrived, they found that the Old Man was indeed in a sulphurous mood.
“I am wroth like you wouldn’t believe,” He said. “Some murderous loonies have driven airliners into the World Trade Center towers and the Pentagon and killed 5,000 or so people.
“They weren’t atheists, you know. They left behind material saying they did it in My name, of all things. They said they were devout worshippers, doing what they did in the name of Me. Me! They didn’t brook any arguments about what was right and what was wrong, either. They said they knew.”
The chief deputy archangel started to say something soothing, but the Old Man roared on.
“And then, right after that, some fundamentalist Christian preacher by the name of Jerry Fretwell or Falwell or something like that chimed in with a comment that America deserved what it got because Americans had made Me angry,” the Old Man went on. “He said ‘Pagans’ and the American Civil Liberties Union were responsible, can you believe it? He said I allowed 5,000 innocents to die because I wasn’t receiving the respect due Me. Falwell must think I’m a thug.”
The chief deputy archangel finally got in a word edgewise.
“Look, Boss, I know how upsetting these things can be,” she said. “But it isn’t like it was something new. We’ve seen it for years. Look at the violence between Palestinians and Israelis, both being waged for land and nationhood, but heavily flavored with religious overtones. And You, of course, are being cited by devout worshippers on both sides as exclusively favoring their cause.”
The Old Man continued as if he hadn’t heard.
“These Taliban people believe that Me-fearing, upright people are those who forbid women from going to school, holding a job, going outside the house unescorted by a male relative or visiting a male doctor if you have a ruptured appendix. That’s the way I want it, they say. Women’s faces must be covered, to preserve their modesty because that’s also the way I want it, they say. And oh, by the way, you get caught preaching Christianity? Death penalty. I want it that way, according to them. Good grief. What a bunch of psychopaths.
“And then, as if that isn’t enough, the people on that little planet Earth receive periodic jeremiads from this fellow Osama bin Laden, who lectures people on their sins and says that as a matter of course all true believers in Islam should kill Americans whenever possible. Can you believe this guy?”
“Well,” interjected the chief deputy archangel, “At least he’s not an atheist. Not by a long shot.”
The Old Man shot her a look that would have turned her to stone, had she not been the chief deputy archangel. Then the Old Man turned thoughtful.
“It’s not that we haven’t had murderous idiocy of one sort or another before on that little planet,” He said. “You’ll recall back some 900-plus years ago when the Christians decided the infidels-- Muslims, in this case--should not be occupying what they call the holy lands. So they repeatedly marched off and slaughtered thousands of men, women and children. The Christians wanted to Do The Right Thing. And the Muslims, equally devout, killed Christians by the thousands.
“And then came the Inquisition, during which men who said they were representing Me tortured and killed people--no one on Earth knows quite how many--because they didn’t conform to Christian tenets of the time, as interpreted by the clergy. Or at least the killers and torturers didn’t think their victims conformed to Christian teachings. The niceties of Christian theology were pretty foggy for those on the rack, or being burned at the stake,” the Old Man said.
The vice chief deputy archangel was emboldened by the Old Man’s reminiscences.
“And you’ll recall, Boss, the Church in 1633 threatened to imprison that scientist Galileo because he dared to hypothesize that the Earth revolved around the Sun, when Christian clergymen knew perfectly well that the Sun revolved around the Earth,” he said. “They said they had that word, inviolate, holy, and unchangeable, straight from You.
“And a little more than 200 years later, here comes that Englishman Charles Darwin, with his Theory of Evolution, and Whoops! There they go again, saying it isn’t true because they know how You arranged creation,” the vice chief deputy continued.
The chief deputy brightened. “At least the school boards in Kansas and Alabama aren’t talking about burning people who believe in evolution at the stake in the name of Christianity. That is undeniably progress,” she said.
The Old Man got up from His throne and started pacing up and down.
“But just as they did in Galileo’s time, the devout go around saying the same thing. They have the word today, inviolate, holy, and unchangeable, straight from Me,” he said. “Kill Christians. Don’t listen to music. Wear a veil when you go out. Don’t let women drive. Don’t dance. Don’t let women become priests. Don’t eat pork. Cover your head when you go into a church. Wear your hair short. Grow a beard. Send money. They try my patience mightily, I tell you.”
“Well, Boss, just remember there have been religious people down there all along, working to make things better,” the deputy chief archangel said. “There was Mother Teresa, who comes barging in here without an appointment all the time, and that fellow Tutu. There are others. And remember, for the most part, Your creatures on Earth also think Osama is a nut case.”
The Old Man sighed.
“I know, I know,” He said. “I just wish there weren’t so many of them running around that little planet screaming that they have My word, straight from Me, and anyone who thinks otherwise should be shut up, or killed. Who do those people think they are, anyway? Pipsqueaks, all of them.”
“Things are gradually getting better,” the deputy chief archangel said with her most optimistic, angelic visage. “I know the history of their religious activities is mostly equal parts viciousness and nonsense, but at the same time, they’ve erased some awful diseases, even if they still have some terrible scourges, and they’ve made a lot of progress in making life easier and fairer. They’re trying.”
“I know they’re trying,” the Old Man said.
Then He clapped the vice chief deputy archangel on the back. “It gives Me hope about them. But let Me tell you, every time I look at what’s going on down there, it’s the only thing that gives Me hope about them. They’re trying. I just wish some of them would shut up.”
© 2001 by Charles M. McFadden. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
You can comment
on this column or contact Chuck McFadden with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
| Home | About Us | Archives | Talkback | Shopping Mall |