 The owner's manual warns that, "Standing in the vehicle when it's moving is a dangerous way to ride." |
Chuck McFadden Me & My Miata vs. the Mazda Corporate Nannies |
Hey, I'm A Grown-Up! Do I Really Need All Those Warnings & Cautionary Notes From Mazda?
By
CHUCK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
So here we have Ralph Nader running around the country talking about cruel and greedy corporations, out to wring every advantage they can from us ordinary folks. Ralph is a fine fellow and he may be on to something, but has he been acquainted with the other side of the corporate coin? Corporate nannyism?
I have recently become the owner of a Mazda Miata, and the folks at Mazda are mighty worried. They seem to believe that without sufficient handwringing and cautions from them, I'm going to wreck their car and wind up in the hospital, or worse.
Think I'm kidding? The cup-holder receptacle in the Miata has warnings against drinking and driving. You heard me. Stamped into the bottom of the cup holder receptacle is the following: "Do not drink alcoholic beverages while driving." And it's stamped in twice - upside down and rightside up, so both the driver and the passenger can read it and stay on the straight and narrow.
There's also a warning against using the plastic receptacle as an ashtray. I'm surprised there's not a surgeon-general-type warning against smoking.
Mazda apparently believes that without its motherly counsel, the people who buy its cars will embark on lives of unlimited debauchery and God Knows What.
The company covers all the bases. The owner's manual has about 170 pages and at least that many boxed warnings that range from "Standing in the vehicle when it's moving is a dangerous way to ride" to "Don't coast with the ignition off." Sometimes there are four warnings on a single page. "Don't use ashtrays for trash. You might start a fire," says one. "The turn signals don't work when the hazard warning lights are on," says another.
The warnings are divided into three categories: Warnings, Cautions and Notes. The Warnings are out-and-out Be Careful! type utterances. ("Engine exhaust contains carbon monoxide, which is dangerous to inhale. It can even kill.") The Cautions are less stentorian: ("Driving with the parking brake on will cause excessive wear of the brake linings or pads.") And the Notes are the mildest yet. Some of them are downright neighborly. ("Scratches are more visible on vehicles with darker paint finishes.")
Most of the Warnings, Cautions and Notes are concerned about mechanical operation of the car and its systems. They give excellent advice, warning against parking on top of something that is flammable, for instance, because the catalytic converter gets hot and could touch off a fire. But many seem to be aimed at preserving the life and limb of the irresponsible ninnies who would otherwise drive on the sidewalk. ("Clear all ice and snow from the windshield, rear window, outside rearview mirrors and all side windows before driving the vehicle.")
I know that Mazda's lawyers are probably responsible for most of the warnings, not wanting to get the company sued by some member of the Duh crowd who decided to drive backwards down the freeway because it looked like fun and Mazda never told him otherwise. (No, there's no warning against it in the manual.)
Maybe I should take comfort in the fact that a multinational company is talking to me on a very personal level about the kind of life I may fall into unless I'm careful and pay attention to Mama Mazda.
But dammit, I am a grownup. I no longer crash into trophy cases while playing bullfighter in the front room of the fraternity house. (Hey, someone tried to trip me and threw my timing off.)
Don't get me wrong. The Miata is a great car. It's fun, economical, and reliable. Someday I'm going to write the company a fan letter: "I've found that the Miata's cup-holder is a mighty fine place to slide my half-pint of Old Popskull every morning," I will say. "You know, the half-pint I polish off on my way to work while standing up in the vehicle."
On
second thought, maybe not. Mazda's already worried enough about
me.
© 2000 by Charles M. McFadden. The cartoon is © 2000
by Jim Hummel.
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