 OSAMA for President? |
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Talk about an outsider!
Safely beyond the beltway!
of TheColumnists.com
Osama bin Laden today announced his candidacy for president of the United States on the Taliban ticket.
The fugitive militant made his announcement via a cell-phone conference call with a group of political reporters who were not allowed to ask questions.
“Some might suggest I am not a viable candidate because I am not a citizen of the United States, and because I am a fugitive hiding in a cave somewhere. Those kind of considerations are the hallmarks of the negative thinking that small minds have consistently been guilty of over the course of history,” bin Laden told reporters.
“The fact is, when you have a strong enough candidate who is needed by the American people, petty considerations such as those must be swept aside in recognition of the greater good,” bin Laden declared.
Nonetheless, bin Laden said he was announcing his candidacy for 2004 early because he recognized “certain organizational challenges” that would require time to overcome.
Political analysts said bin Laden’s links to the September 11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon might prove to be an insurmountable handicap to his election chances.
“On the other hand, his advocacy of more religion in American life will resonate with a certain segment of the voting public,” said one analyst who asked that his name not be used.
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candidate is coming from the most unlikely quarters. |
“As for the September thing, bin Laden can say, ‘mistakes were made. We need to move on, ’” the analyst said.
Other analysts pointed out that bin Laden’s stand on women’s rights is sure to lose him as much as a third of the women’s vote.
Apparently reading from a prepared statement, bin Laden outlined the Taliban party platform he intended to run upon.
“No more uppity women. For years, Americans have been fruitlessly arguing about feminists and how women can combine careers and marriage, and whether women have been receiving equal pay for equal work. There has been tension between the sexes. When I am elected president, those non-productive arguments will come to an end. We will no longer have to worry about sexual harassment lawsuits, either.
“No more traffic jams. Since no one will be allowed to drive a car except certain high-ranking government officials and the military, we will no longer have smog, or crowded freeways. Traffic hassles will be a thing of the past. No more road rage. Ordinary citizens will not need cars because they will be busy growing wheat and pomegranates in their back yards.
“No more arguments about the right to bear arms. All men will be equipped with AK-47s and a plentiful supply of ammunition to use as they see fit. We’re going to bring back good old American self-reliance. Police will be confined to making sure that women are accompanied by a male relative when they go outside the home, and that their ankles, face and hair are covered sufficiently.
“No more lawyers. People who have disputes can go to the neighborhood mullah. Anyone arrested for anything won’t need a lawyer because if you’re arrested you’re obviously guilty. But there won’t be many arrests because of the point made above.
“No more nosy reporters poking into things that are none of their business. Reporters will no longer be allowed to invade the privacy of well-known people and report facts that get people upset and confused. And you will no longer have to put up with blow-dry television reporters shoving a microphone into people’s faces and saying “How do you feel?” That’s because there won’t be any more television.
“No more disrespectful teenagers. Young people will learn that their role in life is to listen respectfully to what their parents and their mullahs tell them. We’ll also get rid of body piercing, $185 sneakers and baseball caps worn backward.
“No more idiotic arguments about religion. There will only be one religion, thereby avoiding a great deal of unproductive argument and emotion in the United States.”
Indeed, the candidate’s campaign motto will be “No More Arguments!” a source close to bin Laden said.
To those who suggest that the platform was restrictive, bin Laden had a brusque rejoinder.
“Hey, you Americans have been griping about the role of women in society, traffic jams, health care, public schools, snotty teenagers, lawyers, the media, prayer in public schools and gun control for years. Argue, argue, argue. It’s time to fish or cut bait, as you are all so fond of saying. Do you want to keep on arguing? If not, I’m your man.”
The bottom line, bin Laden told reporters, is the direction America will take.
“My candidacy provides answers to all these things you people have been arguing about for years,” he said. “If you don’t elect me, well, you can look forward to years and years of just more arguments.”
© 2002 by Charles
M. McFadden. The Chuck McFadden caricature is © 2001 by
Jim Hummel. The other illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips
Collections, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506,
USA.
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