 |
George & Al? Master Debater (in Seven Easy Lessons) |
 |
There Must Be Debates, Guys!
But They're No Worse Than A Prostate Exam!
By
CHUCK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
Face it, candidates. The debates between you and your opponent
must go on and there's nothing you can do about it now. It's
become part of American politics. The audience wants to see how
well you can think on your feet and how nice you are. It's a
necessary evil, like a prostate exam.
Your opponent is a boob, of course. Your job is to make sure the television audience realizes that as well as you do. Not a win-win situation. Tooth and claw, red-fang, smite hip-and-thigh, savagery time. Be nice.
Remember that above all, this is a comparison game. You versus the other guy. So what you want to do is unnerve your opponent, big time. You want red-faced, perspiring, eyes darting about. Maybe snarling. Properly executed, the tips outlined below will turn your opponent into a feverish has-been, right there on prime time. By contrast, you will be cool and calm, right? Even commanding, maybe. So here we go.
Choose
One of These Five Quiet Remarks to Make to Your Opponent During
the Pre-Debate Handshake:
1. "Nice tie. Those gravy stains are hell to get out, aren't
they?"
2. "It's just amazing what opposition research can turn
up these days."
3. "Gee, you look a lot better in person than you do on
TV."
4. "Why is your mother trying to go on 60 Minutes to talk
about how you used to pick your nose? After all, you were only
32 years old."
5. "That little fundraising thing the other day - I want
you to know that I'm not going to use any of it. Well, probably
not, unless Milosevic does."
Then Follow Up With These Two Dirty Tricks:
1.
Just as the debate begins, stare briefly at your opponent just
below the belt buckle and let a momentary look of concern, and
then a smug look, flit across your face.
A. This will cause him to conclude that he somehow forgot to
zip his fly in the normal precautionary pre-debate visit to the
men's room.
B. Thinking no one will notice, he will reach down below the
lectern to check.
C. But, of course, someone will notice -- his aides, who will
think he forgot to make his precautionary visit, and is having
an embarrassing urge.
D. One of them will rush to the lectern and grab away his glass
of water so the situation won't get worse; your foe may want
that glass of water, and a tug-of-war will occur; with any luck,
you'll make him look like a violent pervert.
E. Or you can slip vodka into his water glass. But be careful.
It may make him better.
|
|
 |
2. Remember master of ceremonies David Niven when a young man streaked the 1974 Academy Awards? "Pity he has to display his shortcomings like that," Niven said. Actor Niven had a quick wit. The television audience thought he was wonderful. You, of course, will have to fake it if you want viewers to believe you're quick-thinking and have a sense of humor. So, see if you can get one of your aides to volunteer for a suicide mission. He (well, it could be a she) will streak the set during the debate. You will have a witty ad-lib prepared in advance. The aide, by then equipped with a trenchcoat, will keep right on going to the airport and will eventually listen to your victory statement on the BBC's Patagonian service.
If you've paid attention to the foregoing, you will have everyone in the television audience ready to think that your opponent is a dangerous scumbag, unfit to take out the White House garbage, let alone boogie into the Oval Office. Accordingly, voters will troop to the polls in November and sweep you into the White House, where you can order up pitchers of martinis on Air Force One, lead the free world and act inappropriately with interns.
Finally, you'd better burn this, after committing it to memory. We don't want your next opponent to have a set of … let's call them gambits, shall we? … all her own.
© 2000 by Charles M. McFadden. The cartoon images are from
the IMSI Master/Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East,
San Rafael, CA 94901-5506, USA.
McFadden
is a former reporter who can remember watching the Kennedy-Nixon
debate when live coast-to-coast television was still thought
to be a big deal. Read more about Chuck McFadden by clicking
the About
Us
button below and scrolling to "guest columnists."
| Home | About Us | Archives | Talkback | Shopping Mall |