Ron Miller
You Might See . . .
I'm so tired of reading through the movie ads and finding nothing but sequels to special effects extravaganzas, bloated cartoon musicals with hosts of forgettable tunes, teen flicks about people who are dumb and dumber and bad remakes of old movies and TV shows.
Isn't it a shame that some person like me with extraordinarily good taste hasn't yet been put in charge of a studio? In fact, isn't it a shame they haven't made me Czar of Hollywood?
Just so you guys know what you're missing, let me give you some examples of the movies I'd be making if I ran Hollywood:
1. GHOSTBUSTERS 3: POLTERGOOSED!
Boy, I'd love to see this one take shape: Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray,
Harold Ramis and 
the
rest of the "Ghostbusters" team are called in by the
new owners of that spook-infested house from the "Poltergeist"
movies. Their job: to vacuum up all the ectoplasm left on the
floor in "Poltergeist 3." While they're at it, maybe
they can find the time to put a cork in that pesky little spirit-sniffer,
Zelda Rubinstein, until she takes some acting lessons.
2. GIDGET 2001
Okay, I have this weakness for "Gidget," ever since
Sandra Dee played the teen surfer 
girl in the 1959 movie. Then Sally Field
came along and did her even better on TV and I really was hooked.
But isn't it time we made a movie about the beach girls of the
21st century?
I see someone young and fresh like Lacey Chabert from "Party
of Five" as the new Gidget, battling an eating disorder,
a nasty case of herpes she picked up from Moondoggie and her
fear that the Big Kahoona wants more from her than just a little
goodnight kiss.
3. BENJI DOES LASSIE
One of the real bummers about dog movies is that they're always
made with kids in 
mind,
so the poor pooches never get to have sex. I guess they're afraid
it might offend the little tykes - or their mommies. So, isn't
it time to make a dog flick for adults? I'm thinking that hard-working
little mutt Benji really needs a reward for all the manic running
around he does in his movies. Like maybe a long weekend with
Lassie? Talk about a surprise ending, though, when Benji discovers
Lassie is played by a guy!
4. BAD BOY BOND
In the movies, we never get to see what our heroes were like
as youngsters, so we can 
figure out how they got that way. I'm dying to know
what went on in their formative years. That's why I see a great
movie in the childhood of little Jimmy Bond before he grew up
to be Agent 007. Don't you just know he insisted his Kool-Aid
be shaken, not stirred; that his tricycle had a contraption that
squirted an oil slick on the sidewalk whenever his Mom came after
him with a rolled-up newspaper; that he had seen the private
parts of all the cute little girls in the neighborhood without
ever having to show them his?
5. ALIEN APOCALPYSE
That last "Alien" movie was so bad that it almost wrecked
the whole series. I mean, 
who wants Sigourney Weaver turning into an alien monster
mother? Guys like me want her back in her underpants, using flame-throwers
on drippy aliens and working up a good sweat doing it. I'd like
to see her organize all the remaining people on Earth to make
a final stand against the aliens when their spores come riding
in on a big cloud from outer space. Of course, I guess that means
we'd have to show her waking up during the opening credits, right
after having this awful nightmare that covered everything bad
that happened in the last two "Alien" movies, except
maybe Winona Ryder. If they could do it on "Dallas,"
why not the big screen?
6. MARLOWE IN LOVE
Okay, I'll
grant "Shakespeare in Love" was a wonderful movie,
but haven't we had far too many films about real people that
blurred the facts in the matter? Many scholars believe it really
wasn't Will Shakespeare who wrote "Romeo & Juliet,"
but that other contemporary playwright, Christopher Marlowe,
which means it probably was Marlowe who had that affair with
Gwyneth Paltrow, not Will. I think we should straighten out history
a little, cast Jack Nicholson as Marlowe and let him have his
way with Gwyneth. As for Shakespeare, to be historically accurate
we should show him romancing the boy actor who played Juliet
when Gwyneth wasn't around. I'm thinking Rupert Everett for the
role of The Bard.
7. CADDYSHACK VS. THE GOPHERS
One of the most terrifying stories I ever read was Carl Stephenson's
"Leiningen vs. the 
Ants," which Hollywood's George Pal turned into
a pretty good 1953 movie called "The Naked Jungle."
If you saw it, you'll remember Charlton Heston as the plantation
boss trying to stop an onrushing horde of army ants from picking
his bones clean. Why not marry this concept to the concept of
the butt-brained 1980 comedy hit "Caddyshack" about
a golf course overrun by animatronic gophers? This time the gophers
get organized and turn up by the thousands. Trying to stop them:
Chevy Chase, Rodney Dangerfield and most of the other unemployed
comics in Hollywood. The Caddyshack's Ultimate Weapon: Jerry
Seinfeld, who's getting a little hard up for work these days.
The Gophers' Secret Weapon: Their gun-totin' prairie-dog cousins
from Texas, where even rodents are licensed to carry firearms!
8. BOMBA'S MALIBU ADVENTURE
Revival of this once-popular movie series is long overdue. In
my new production, the 
opening of a Starbucks in the territory beyond The
Rift convinces Bomba the Jungle Boy (Leonardo DiCaprio) it's
time to re-locate. Advertising on the internet, he finds a job
as a model for Fruit of the Loom underwear and buys a bungalow
near Malibu Beach. But Bomba soon notices the body-builders and
surfers start making fun of him because he carries a spear, wears
a loincloth and uses "Umgawa!" as a pickup line for
chicks. Then one day he's approached by an elderly Japanese karate
instructor named Inagi (Pat Morita), who teaches him how to stand
on one leg while wearing a kimono. "You're a wuss, kid,"
Inagi tells Bomba. "You need to work out more." So,
Bomba gets buffed, kicks butt in the big showdown with the Muscle
Beach guys, then gets spotted by a talent scout for "Baywatch."
9. FRANKENSTEIN VS. THE MUMMY
Name the two most famous Universal Studios monsters that never
met each other. 
That's
right: Frankenstein's Monster and The Mummy. Universal's Director
of Social Affairs decided they just weren't right for each other.
(Like they were right for Abbott & Costello?) Well, Universal
is under new management now, so here's my plan to finally bring
these "titans of terror" together for the first time:
NASA scientists, desperate for a way to keep astronauts alive
for extremely long space flights, finally seek the help of the
mysterious cult of Karnak, whose secret tanna leaf formula has
been used to revive the mummified remains of the ancient Egyptian
priest Kharis whenever he's needed to protect their beloved Princess
Ananka. If a mummy can be revived from 3,000 years of bed rest,
NASA scientists figure they could drip a little of that juice
through an i.v. tube into an astronaut and wake him up in pretty
fair shape after a 40-year voyage to Alpha Centauri. So, head
NASA scientist Dr. Madd retires to his island retreat to work
out the chemistry involved, aided by his gorgeous assistant,
Dr. Ann N. Anka, noted chemist from the University of Cairo.
Dr. Madd also figures 
some of that tanna fluid might help wake up the subject
of his own private little project, the Frankenstein Monster,
whose lifeless body arrived in a mis-delivered packing crate
more than a year earlier. Well, the juice works, of course, and
The Monster wakes up, falls madly in love with Ann, takes over
the island and holds her captive in the tower of Dr. Madd's castle
while he forces Dr. Madd to experiment with that tanna stuff
in hopes it can help with this erectile dysfunction problem he
seems to have developed recently. By now, all Universal monster
fans must have guessed Ann is the reincarnated Princess Ananka,
so it's only a matter of time until the high priests of Karnak
revive Kharis, the living mummy, and send him to battle Frankenstein's
Monster before the big jerk knocks Ananka up and really screws
up the family genes.
10. BOYS DON'T CRY II: OH, YEAH?
Last year Hilary Swank won an Oscar playing Teena Brandon, a
girl who pretended she 
was a boy, so she could pick up girls at Texas bars,
bringing down a hellstorm of violence upon her from gay-bashing
rednecks. In my follow-up, Teena's big sister, Bertha, played
by martial arts queen Cynthia Rothrock, shows up at a redneck
bar in Texas wearing a sign around her neck that says, "I
do your girl-friends!" Before she starts busting noses and
cracking kneecaps, though, she calls 911 and tells them, "Order
more ambulances!"
What? You say you don't think these movies would be much better than the ones we're getting now? So, don't buy a ticket! Who made YOU the Czar of Hollywood anyhow?
© 2000 by Ron Miller
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