The TV ROMANCES
I'd Most Like
Mr. Sterling & Ms. C.J.?
Anything's possible on TV,
so why not these lovers?
By RON MILLER
Ever since ABC's "N.Y.P.D. Blue" had the temerity to put Detective Andy Sipowicz (Dennis Franz) and Asst. D.A. Sylvia Costas (Sharon Lawrence) naked in a shower together, then wrote them into blissful matrimony, I've been aware that anything can happen in terms of TV romance, regardless of good sense or good taste.
In case you've forgotten, Sipowicz and Costas clashed furiously in the very first episode of that classic cop show and had many seasons of bad vibes between them before the writers fantasized them into the sack together. Though I love actor Franz and think he can do no wrong, the sight of him plundering the classy and sublime Sharon Lawrence was akin to watching a wart hog rooting in a flower bed.
However, the very fact that TV could manufacture a romance between Sipowicz and Costas, in total defiance of all logic, convinces me that there's no reason why MY romantic fantasies couldn't be made to happen--especially around Valentine's Day, which very conveniently comes during the February ratings "sweeps," where networks might welcome such special romantic events as:
SEN. BILL STERLING of "Mr. Sterling" & C.J. CREGG of "The West Wing"
Long, tall White House Press Secty. C.J. Cregg (Allison Janney) is way too harried, even for a White House press official, and definitely needs a better choice of lovers in her life. Meanwhile, brand new independent Sen. Bill Sterling (John Brolin) needs to get real close to somebody who's real savvy and looks as if she might go like a bunny. Voila! What a matchup! Same network, same locale, same theme--what's stopping this from happening? Oh, I know, it would be Sterling's suspicious mind. He's aware the GOP and the Democrats are both trying to get him to come over to their side. He just has to learn that when C.J. snuggle up to him in bed and says, "A little more to the left, please," that she's not trying to get him to switch parties.
JUNE CLEAVER & EDDIE HASKELL of "Leave It To Beaver"
Don't sneer at this "Leave It To Beaver" fantasy. Rascally Eddie Haskell (Ken Osmond) was always so-o-o nice to Mrs. Cleaver (Barbara Billingsley) whenever he visited the Cleaver household with her oldest son, Wally (Tony Dow). Yes, he was trying to create a good impression, so she wouldn't disapprove of him quite so much. But I've always believed he was coming there for a lot more than milk and cookies. Can't you imagine a new reunion show in which June, finally over the death of husband Ward (Hugh Beaumont), succumbs to Eddie's advances. He is, after all, a younger man--and he has that "element of danger" that some women find so attractive. How would The Beaver (Jerry Mathers) react? Well, he wouldn't like it much, but I can imagine him thinking, "Well, at least Mom didn't go for Lumpy Rutherford!"
ALLY MCBEAL of "Ally McBeal" & SAM MALONE of "Cheers"
It would only be natural for Boston lawyer Ally McBeal (Calista Flockhart) to walk into a neighborhood bar called "Cheers" and immediately attract the attention of bartender Sam Malone (Ted Danson). I'd love to see the expression on his face when she advised him he needed his own "song" to play in his head or complained, perhaps after a few drinks, that he ought to keep those pesky naked internet babies out of his saloon. He probably figured he'd already used up the wackiest women in Boston after his years with Diane Chambers and Rebecca Howe. Still, this is a romance that really could sizzle. That failing, though, I wouldn't mind sending Ally out to Chicago to take a deposition, then have her collapse and have to be taken to the "ER," where that nice Dr. John Carter (Noah Wyle) could treat her for anorexia.
MATT DILLON of "Gunsmoke" & AUDRA BARKLEY of "The Big Valley"
We all know that Marshal Dillon (James Arness) finally left Dodge City and wandered westward, without the company of his old "Gunsmoke" squeeze, Miss Kitty, for a series of movie-length "Gunsmoke" adventures. Why not have long, tall Matt pull up for a little rest stop at the Barkley Ranch in California's San Joaquin Valley--and suddenly discover that aging spinster Audra Barkley (Linda Evans) needed help running off rusters and rehabilitating her alcoholic brother Heath (Lee Majors)?
J.R. EWING of "Dallas" and ALEXIS CARRINGTON COLBY of "Dynasty"
Just imagine the incredible conniving and scheming between these two prime time soap opera villains! They would be TV's all-time nasty couple: J.R. Ewing (Larry Hagman) vs. Alexis Carrington Colby (Joan Collins). It almost seems like a surefire payi-per-view event. Maybe the network could hire a top director of Hong Kong action flicks to direct the dinnerware-tossing, mud-wrestling showdowns they'd have before collapsing into bed to symbolically duel-on beneath the sheets. At least there would be no doubt this time who shot J.R.
Would Horatio (right) smile more often
if Samantha (left)
went on crime scenes
with him? You bet
HORATIO CAINE of "CSI: Miami" and SAMANTHA WATERS of "Profiler"
Have you noticed how terribly serious poor Horatio Caine (David Caruso) always is on CBS' "CSI: Miami"? The guy never cracks a smile. In fact, the closest he comes to it is a sneer. Sure, spending your day checking out moldering corpses isn't exactly erotically stimulating, but others have managed to lighten up now and then. My theory is he isn't getting enough of something or other. So, try and picture him after Dr. Samantha "Sam" Waters (Ally Walker) is assigned to his team. The first time she closes her eyes and starts having one of her psychic moments--picturing the actual murder--at a crime scene, I'm sure Horatio would start struggling with a smile. And if she happened to be bending over while doing it, I'll bet the smile would keep getting broader. It's a match made in Heaven.
STEVEN HARPER of "Boston Public" and ELLENOR FRUTT of "The Practice"
Yes, there is no reason on Earth why anyone would want to see a romance blossom between two of the fattest characters in prime time television: Principal Harper (Chi McBride) and criminal lawyer Ellenor Frutt, but that never has stopped David Kelley, the creator of both characters, before. He loves to "crossover" characters from one of his series to another. Both Harper and Frutt work in Boston, so it's only a matter of time before Harper sits on a student and crushes him, prompting a murder charge that Ellenor is assigned to defend by the school district. Why do I want to see this romance? Well, I'm sure it would promote the sales of widescreen televisions.
©2003 by Ron Miller. The photos from "The West Wing" and "Mr. Sterling" are from
the official NBC websites. The "Profiler" photo is courtesy NBC Studios. The "CSI: Miami" photo is courtesy CBS.
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