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Ron Miller's DARK CORRIDORS VOL. 7, No. 17 |
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Ron reviews the upcoming Memorial Day weekend event on cable's Hallmark Channel, a three-hour movie called... THE CURSE OF KING TUT'S TOMB  Casper Van Dien shows astonishment as he beholds the tablet that will open the portal to Hell. |
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on cable's Hallmark Channel (7-10 p.m., CT) and repeats at 11 p.m. (10 CT). |
Can't afford Indiana Jones?
Then hire Danny Freemont!
of TheColumnists.com
Take a big dollop of "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom," mix it up with several tablespoons of "The Mummy," hire a handsome young leading man who costs about 50 times less than Harrison Ford and--voila!--you have Hallmark's "The Curse of King Tut's Tomb."
So, now that you've got it, what the hell do you do with it? Well, whatever you'd like, only don't bother to watch it.
What possessed the brain trust at Hallmark to sign the papers that made "The Curse of King Tut's Tomb" possible? Gee, maybe they thought the Hallmark brand was getting too benign. Maybe they thought it was time to do something wild and crazy with no redeeming social values. Or maybe they just wanted to poke a stick in the eye of the American television audience.
Whatever the motive, this long, long movie is a monumental mistake. I'm guessing it'll provoke what future Hallmark employes will call, "the curse of 'The Curse of King Tut's Tomb.'" A curse--maybe even a pox--should fall on someone.
You probably think you've already seen a movie or two about the "curse" that seemed to fall upon the Carter expedition, which uncovered Tut's tomb in the 1920s. You probably have. There certainly were enough of them. This isn't one of them.
This movie is about the discovery of Tut's tomb by a young archaeologist named Danny Freemont. This is apparently a name that Indiana Jones used when he was trying to avoid the tabloid press. Anyway, Danny Freemont dresses like Indiana Jones, drinks straight shots of whisky and hangs out in exotic places. However, he doesn't carry a bullwhip and, as far as I can tell, he hasn't started to shave yet.
Danny is played by Casper Van Dien, a youngster I kind of liked in Paul Verhoeven's "Starship Troopers." I thought he would mature into a respectable action hero type. I was wrong. He has matured into a guy who still looks like a choir boy dressed up like Indiana Jones to go trick-or-treating. He's married in real life to Catherine Oxenberg. Perhaps he reserves all his macho behavior for her private amusement.
Anyway, he's the main thing wrong with "The Curse of King Tut's Tomb." He doesn't have the proper swagger. They also did him the disservice of casting him opposite an imposing French beauty named Leonor Varela, who plays his scientific rival and, ultimately, his chosen love. Varela looks like she'd be too much for Van Dien. She looks as if she could kick his butt, as a matter of fact. In bed, I'm betting she'd be on top.
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Casper Van Dien one of her bewitching looks. She's probably thinking, "I want to be on top!" |
The storyline starts in ancient Egypt where we learn that Tut, the boy king, was a mystic superhero, assigned by the Sun God to protect the people of Egypt from evil bat-winged monsters that live in Hell. This is the job that's held today by George W. Bush, who has gerrymandered his dominion to include the entire Middle East.
Before he died at age 19 and was buried in a secret tomb with millions in treasure, Tut sent the bat-winged demons back to Hell by busting the stone tablet that opens the doorway to Hell. His followers then hid the four broken chunks of tablet all over the world, so the evil guys wouldn't be able to cement them back together and open that nasty doorway again.
A whole lot of years later--let's say it's the early 1920s--young Danny Freemont has been finding all those chunks of tablet, but the evil people keep stealing them from him. If he finds the fourth chunk and they steal that, too, then all Hell will break loose--literally.
The evil people are organized into a cult known as The Hellfire Council (not too subtle, right?) that's headed by Malcolm McDowell. I'm sure he got the job after the other Counci members saw him in "Caligula," sodomizing Helen Mirren and raising all kinds of "hell." Their point man is Prof. Morgan Sinclair (Jonathan Hyde), who has no redeeming social values.
The movie is about Sinclair and the bad guys trying to get Hell back in gear again. Danny and his associate Dr. Barakat (say it fast and it sounds like "bearcat") try to stop them. You may be wondering what happened to the Carter expedition. If you hang around to hear the last couple of lines of the movie, you'll find out.
There is virtually nothing redeeming about this movie. Worse yet, it originally was set to play at four hours, but Hallmark cut it down to three for reasons that now seem obvious. Unfortunately, they sent me the four-hour version. Hopefully, they ditched some of the awful lines I had to endure.
For example, when the bad guys capture Danny and try to mummify him alive, they attempt to pull his brain out through his nose. When he's rescued, he thanks his rescuers and observes, "I enjoy having a brain."
I found this slightly in conflict with earlier dialog in which he tells Dr, Barakat, "I try to keep my mind open to anything." To which she replies, "Any more open and your brain will fall out." So, like why would the villains bother pulling it out thorugh his nose? Go figure.
I also was enchanted by Dr. Barakat's remark, "I spoke ancient Egyptian before I could walk!" From that, I gathered the impression she probably didn't walk until she was about 28.
But I'll admit I did enjoy watching Leonor Varela walk. And talk. And do just about anything. She's a fetching lass. However, there are lots of those on those Victoria's Secret specials and the dialogue isn't so dumb.
Special effects? Yes, they have some. You'll enjoy watching King Tut sprout wings and turn into a superhero. You'll also enjoy watching the map to Tut's tomb suddenly appear on a deranged beggar's chest, etched in fire. You'll be bored, however, by the columns of soot that flow in and out of Prof. Sinclair's mouth. That's the same effect they used in those recent versions of "The Mummy."
But I hope you don't watch this movie long enough to see any of that stuff. I respect my readers and I figure you conned me into watching junk like this just so you won't have to. Smart move, folks.
©2006 by Ron Miller.
The photos are courtesy of Hallmark Channel. This column first
posted May 22, 2006
Ron
Miller is a former nationally syndicated television columnist
and the author of "Mystery! A Celebration," the official
companion book to PBS' "Mystery!" series. He currently
writes about television mysteries for MYSTERY SCENE magazine.
You can comment on this column online. Please address your message to either "The Editors" or Ron Miller . To send an email, click here and don't forget to mention Ron's name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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