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I LOVE YOU! |
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What's not to like about
the former 1st daughter?
of TheColumnists.com
Dear Chelsea Clinton,
This is an open letter to you that's long overdue. You don't know me, but I figure I sort of know you since you've been very visible during this election year and TV has been bringing you right into my home. I think it's definitely an appropriate time for me to finally declare my love for you right out in public where everybody can see it.
That's right, you heard me right: I L-O-V-E You!
Now at first you may not think that's any big deal. I'm certainly not a good marriage prospect for you. For one thing, I'm already married--and have been for 45 years. I'm not planning on dumping my wife anytime soon either because she's great and I still love her bigtime.
That also probably gives you a pretty good clue that, to conventional thinkers, I'm possibly a little old for you, too. You're a grown woman of 28. That's only an age gap of....a paltry 41 years. Hey, age isn't everything, right? But I'll concede you probably could do better than a guy who's already older than your old man, though I do have many assets.
You see, I can't help but think destiny is calling. Like, your birthday is Feb. 27 and mine is Feb. 28. Wow! Can you think of the parties we could throw, lighting candles for 48 hours at a time? And blowing them out at our leisure.
But, relax, Chelsea. I'm not suggesting a romance or anything like that, though I'll have to admit I could get pretty worked up thinking about it since you're a fine-looking young woman and dress up real nice.
Actually, the reason I'm going public is to let you know that there are lots of mature guys like me out there who think you're a swell gal. I was going to add that you're also a hottie, but that's probably sexist, so I won't. Since you're also super-smart, sophisticated and, from all that I hear, a really sweet person, I would say you're a pretty good deal for anybody. I can't see how a guy could lose if he wound up holding your hand.
Sure, it might be a bit uncomfortable being in the middle of all the publicity that's always surrounding you, but if you were going out with a guy like me, I don't think the press would follow us around very long. I mean, they'd probably think, "What? See's with that guy? Well, that's not going to sell any papers."
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you that I'm sort of a media person, which I hear is like the kiss of death for any prospective suitor of yours. I completely understand why you have developed a lifelong distaste for the media. If I were starting out life right now, I'd hate 'em, too. If you and I were going out, I'd be happy to swerve the car into that pack of photographers you've always wanted to run down, but knew you couldn't because you were the daughter of two famous politicians.
Speaking of parents, you wouldn't need to worry about meeting mine. They're both gone. My Mom would have been delighted to discover you and I were an "item" because she was a lifelong Democrat. She might even have been happy if I'd been dating Margaret Truman, but we don't need to go into that and Margaret would never let anyone know about it while she was still alive.
Now, my Dad always voted GOP, but he cut a lot of slack for the kids of presidents, so I think he'd have been fine with it, too.
As for your parents, I wouldn't worry too much about me getting the O.K. from them. I always voted for your Dad and backed your Mom in her recent campaign for the presidency. I'm pretty sure your Dad would figure your virtue would be safe with me on grounds I'm probably too old to "cut the mustard" anyway. Let him think that if he wants to. What do we care? And your Mom? Heck, I think she'd say you're old enough to make up your own mind about stuff like that, right?
I hear you're a vegetarian, which doesn't bother me. I think I've probably eaten enough meat anyway and could get by fine on soy beans and veggies or whatever you eat. I also like the fact that you're a Stanford graduate. I used to live right near Stanford and know the campus real well. And I'm real impressed that you studied ballet for so long and are so involved in the dance. In fact, I might like to see you pirouette a few times for me in private, once we got to know each other better, of course.
I think I've been most bothered by the nasty remarks I've heard from time to time about you not being pretty. I understand even John McCain has been known to tell jokes about it in public. Shame on him and all the others. I guess I've been watching you since you came into the White House at age 12 and I never saw anything but a real pretty gal with a great big smile that always caught at my heartstrings.
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waves all five fingers at a fan. She usually only waves one finger if the media is involved. |
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By now, you probably know that lots of guys are eating their hearts out after seeing how great you turned out. If I'm right, the rush will be on for you real soon. As I said earlier, I don't kid myself that you and I are ever going to "get together," if you know what I mean, but if you need an older gentleman to talk with every once in awhile, you might put me on your short list.
And, of course, I'll be there for you when you launch your campaign for the presidency.
Warmest regards,
Ron Miller
©2008 by Ron Miller. This column first posted Sept. 1, 2008.
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