|
|
 |
|
IN PUBLIC TOILETS!  |
Andy's words to the wise
for all constipated guys
|
Andy Murcia suggests this column not be read while you are enjoying a meal. He also is sorry if any part of it offends your tender sensibilities. He realizes its scatological content may not be suitable for every reader. |
By ANDY MURCIA
of TheColumnists.com
To Tap or not to tap, that is the question..
Regardless if you’re a Republican or a Democrat, if you're like me you must be concerned that the “evidence” sure as hell is lacking in the recent arrest of Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) in that airport bathroom.
I mean, think about it: You go into a bathroom and sit down, you place your briefcase in front of you, inside the stall, and spread your feet to accommodate it there. You start to do your "business," but if it takes a little extra effort you may move your feet with a little impatient tapping.
I don’t know about you, but there was a time when I had to do a lot more than a little tapping to get things moving, if you know what I mean.
Excuse my being so graphic, but this is important to the case at “foot” here. I recall times when I had to tap, press the walls of the stall and grunt like a performer in a porno flick to accomplish my mission. Had there been a vice cop in the next stall, I believe the aroma alone might have discouraged him from showing me his badge under the divider.
Are you getting the picture here? Sometimes I go through quite a sequence of special moves when I'm sitting on "the throne." And I worry about a lot, from “I hope this seat is clean" to "did I use enough paper?" I even silently talk to myself saying things like, “Okay, relax now. Don’t start worrying that it’s going to be a tough one before you even try!"
I dread being "bound up." I mean, it just wrecks my day! My doctor told me that “being relaxed” is the best way not to tighten up. Once an old cop friend of mine, Patrolman Rich Fera, wound up in the toilet stall next to me in the hospital. After we both emerged, he told me, "Hey Sarge, you really need to change your diet, man! You need more fiber in it.”
I guess I've had some real goofy things go through my head while attending to my "business." So, am I now going to have to add worries that I might get busted if I move my feet too much and some cop sees it poking out of my stall?
I’m an old vice cop and I never heard that was a "signal" that you wanted to "puff the pipe" with some guy in the next stall. In my day on the job, you didn't have to stake out the next stall to catch a homosexual in action. All you had to do was go to the men's room at the bus station and--Bingo!--you could make all the "on view" arrests you had time to process.
If you follow my columns on this website, you might recall the one I wrote about our public parks and bathrooms out here in Los Angeles. I had to go so bad one day, I came running into the bathroom--and literally had to chase two guys out, who were in the middle of "doing" each other, so I could use the facilities.
You might think I’m defending Sen. Craig. Guess again. I happen to think if a smart cookie like him pleads guilty to a lesser charge, then he's most likely guilty of something. What I’m beefing about here is the lack of evidence. I listened to the audio tapes made by the cop that had Sen. Craig on it. I’ll be darned if I heard anything that acknowledged he was there to commit a homosexual act.
I'm not drawing any conclusions about his sexual proclivities. I'm just saying there's at least a tiny chance he was there just to take a “dump.” I don't see the solid evidence proving he was doing anything else.
I suspect this will all blow over once the right lawyer gets into it. I also think there will never be a full blown trial simply because “if” the Senator is bisexual, he must have bones buried all over Washington, D.C., and we'll be hearing witnesses saying so.
But here’s my main concern about this
caper. I think we had all better be real careful how we perform
our ablutions in public stalls from now on. I have my own solution
for me. To protect myself, I’m going to have a card printed
up that simply says:
“I’m not here for sex. I’m here to take a crap.
So you stay on your side and I’ll stay on mine!"
©2007 by Andy Murcia. The cartoon
is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd.
E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. The written "notice"
was added to the drawing by our editors. This column first posted
Oct. 4, 2007.
You can comment
on this column online. Please address your message to either
"The Editors" or Andy Murcia. To send an email, click
here and don't forget to mention Andy's name: talkback@thecolumnists.com
|
|
|
Archives |
|
|