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Observations of An Ex-Cop in La La Land |
 ANDY MURCIA |
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 "Forgive me, Sire, but I thought it best to have our repast served now--before Baron Murcia arrives and snarfs it all down!" |
ANN JILLIAN'S HUSBAND ADDICTED!
NOW IT CAN BE TOLD!
ANDY CONFESSES!
By ANDY MURCIA
of TheColumnists.com
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A
POEM: FOOD/DIET When younger and lean as a cat I would never have thought I’d be fat But my friend was my fork Full of french fries and pork And the pillow now shows where I sat In the future I see myself thin And with tuna and lettuce I’ll win! No more ice cream and candy I’ll feel and look dandy With the only wide thing---my big grin! By Sylvia Riveness. |
 "Here's the bedtime snack you ordered, Mr. Murcia. Bon Appetit!" |
I could never have written that amusing poem. If I wrote anything about food it would have to be entitled, “Too Much Is Not Enough.” You see, ever since I was a kid, when I find something good to eat, I want to eat it all. I won’t stop eating until there’s none left. My dear mother, Rose, often told me I was a “glutton.” She was right. I was the kid who ate all the food before the company arrived. Mom had to chase me out of her kitchen with a broom on many occasions.
I’ve been in love with food all my life. I love to shop for it, cook it, serve it, and EAT IT! Now at age 62, I feel there is nothing better than breaking bread with family and friends of good cheer.
But it’s 2003 now
and once again, like so many of you, I have to lose weight. How
can I do it? One thing I know, I won’t use that “Slim
Down” product that Joan Van Ark endorsed on her TV infomercial.
That stuff I suspect might work too darned well.
Let me explain. One look at Joan and you want to buy her a double
double cheeseburger–and, yes, super-size it, baby! She’s
too thin! I’ve been in sweet Joan’s presence over the
years on numerous occasions and to my knowledge she never had
a weight problem to begin with. Every time I saw her she was
slim and pretty–but now she has gone past thin and she just
might be the first one to prove once and for all that there IS
such a thing as being “too thin.”
I’m also not going to use any of the other junk they advertise for quick weight loss. We all know better. I’m going to do it the right way, the old fashioned way, by eating less and exercising more. This is the safest way.
Let’s face it, there is no magic potion that will let us lose weight as we sleep or sit on our cans. I think we must find something to do with our hands besides using them to put food in our mouths. I’m going to try and write more since I don’t eat while typing. I also will increase my walking by doing it both after breakfast and dinner. I will continue to ride my bike four or five times a week.
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in cold, cold Chicago last month. |
I tell you all this so that it will be made a matter of public record herein. My photo here was taken on Dec. 28, 2002, while visiting my daughter, Denise, in Chicago. You can see how fat I am and how pretty she is. I promise to take another photo come June and December, and will reveal the results of my diet program at that time. You can either praise me for my weight loss or you can humiliate me with insulting comments if I go off my diet and stay fat. Fair enough?
The reason I am going public is that when I tried to get my wife, the actress Ann Jillian, to make public her New Year’s resolutions (so she couldn’t slide back), she said, "You first.” So, here goes: I’ve gone public and have admitted to being both a glutton and a food addict!
I hereby command all fast food restaurants to chase me out if they see me walking into their greasy spoons. Use a baseball bat on me if I make a violent protest or pick through your garbage. If I start yelling that “My civil rights are being violated; I’m entitled to eat!”–you will have my permission to choke me with your thigh master. I hereby release all counter clerks or maitre'd’s from any injuries I might suffer in my quest for your food. You even have my permission to verbally abuse me by saying things like, “Hit the road, you fat old glutton!” or “leave your mitts off the Twinkies, Andy, before I call the Jenny O Turkey Cops”! Eric Estrada’s white teeth would be enough to blind my view of your buffet table!
Just so you food handlers will recognize me if I sneak into your eatery, just look for the guy whose neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! That’ll be me. But not for long. Inside of a year I hope to be in top shape. I might even become a sex symbol or poster boy for AARP or the Grey Panthers! I hope to have every babe’s head turning my way, (as far as their arthritis will allow anyway).
I intend to toss out all my fat ass Docker slacks with their “relaxed fit” and buy those low rider jeans that the kids wear, just to display my flat tummy for all to see. Well, okay, strike that last part cause that isn’t gonna happen to me or anyone else over 60 that I know. I’ll settle for a 32-pound loss. I currently weigh 247 pounds, if I can get down to 215 I’ll be fine.
How about you? Why not go public here and now by putting in your “talkback” note exactly how much you intend to lose in 2003. May I wish all my fellow food junkies the best of luck. Go for it!
© 2003 by Andy Murcia. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. The poem is used by courtesy of the author, Sylvia Riveness.
JOIN ANDY'S
FAT-FIGHTING CAMPAIGN. JUST LET HIM KNOW BY EMAIL HOW MANY POUNDS
YOU VOW TO LOSE ALONG WITH HIM BY CLICKING HERE: FATFIGHT
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