|
Observations of An Ex-Cop in La La Land |
|
|
 |
 ...huggability? |
of Fun! |
 ...nice guy? |
Clinton & Dole: Just a pair
of good ol' boys on TV
of TheColumnists.com
My 11-year-old son brought me the idea for this column.
Seems he has learned his U.S. history well. At his age he’s
naturally interested in what’s going on with the developing
male body, so I laughed when he tried his line out on us at dinner.
We were discussing the new Point-Counterpoint segment on CBS'
"60 Minutes" and he innocently said, “Oh. that’s
about one man who can’t get it up and the other who can’t
get it down!”
Quite a kid we have. A sign of the times for sure, as back in
the 1950’s I could have never talked about such things to
my parents.
If you haven’t as yet watched the best new sitcom on television, get with it. It has it all--sex, violence and behind the scenes shady politics. No, it’s not Martin Sheen spinning off a new show. It’s "60 Minutes," which added the Point–Counterpoint segment with retired Sen. Bob Dole and retired Pres. Bill Clinton in a carefully-staged mock debate. This could be funny stuff, especially if they use the top 10 questions I suggest in this column.
Cast: On one hand, (no pun intended) you have Republican Bob Dole, who made a bundle promoting Viagra, (but rumored that he’ll soon decide not to sign up again), and on the other hand we have Democrat Bill Clinton, who seems to be unable to keep things down.
The Show: I tuned in and watched and fun it was. Great casting, too! Somehow you just know that if Clinton searched his Arkansas family tree that W.C. Fields would be kin. Clinton’s ample nose, complete with what we used to call “booze bumps,” is getting to be a dead ringer for Field’s proboscis. But once you get past the “nose,” Clinton has what they call in Hollywood “Huggability.” Watching him, you think maybe you shot pool with the guy years ago back in some hillbilly bar, and even though he hustled your money, you still like the guy. As Bill gives you that “good old boy” smooze, your hand automatically covers your wallet pocket.
I’m amazed at how comfortable Clinton is at facing the people who still remember his war games in the Oval Office. No, not real war games, silly. I mean the one where he okays a chick through White House security and chases her around a while until he performs a full body cavity search on her. Afterwards, he uses her dress as his napkin and her body for his cigar disposal. Yeah, I know folks do the same thing at Motel 6 on any given Saturday night after a few belts, but the White House security element is missing.
Despite Clinton’s errors inherent in his presidency, I still enjoy hearing what a Rhodes scholar thinks about the issues of the day. But my mind soon starts to wonder again. I wonder what exactly are the requirements to be a Rhodes Scholar? Must a guy be very smart? Is Bill Clinton really a wise man? I mean, I know truck drivers without a GED high school diploma yet who have cheated on their wives and got away clean. But maybe “successful adultery” is not a prerequisite for this scholar?
I must give credit, though, where credit is due–lets talk about the draft. Oh, yeah, I now start to see exactly how smart Clinton truly is: He beat the draft hands down. Guess the draft was for real hicks who would come home in a box, but not for smart Bill Clinton. Yeah, Clinton excels here and I can now see why he’s a Rhodes Scholar. I’m starting to hang on his every word now and I’m wondering should I call my son and have him watch this with me? After all, I don’t want him drafted, I like Clinton’s safe way of serving his country. But my son wouldn’t hold still for this stuff. He’s way too patriotic and honest, so I decide to leave him with his Playstation2.
Now it’s Bob Dole’s turn to give his viewpoint. Fasten your seat belt--Elizabeth let Bob out of the house! If you’re like me, and you know anything about working in TV, you know this is going to be “compelling” television. You smell the ratings going through the roof. But this all has one glaring error: Both Dole and Clinton have serious flaws. They both sold out. You won’t see Bob Dole’s photo next to “statesmen” in your Webster book unless of course you see Clinton’s next to “marriage.” Both of these men have become identified with their penis in one way or another. I’m still not sure if this fact alone will sink their segment on 60 Minutes?
Bob Dole is also a nice
guy. I just wouldn’t go mountain climbing with him! Can
you imagine Bob Newhart and Bob Dole mountain climbing where
they have giant avalanches? Maybe their conversation would go
like this:
Newhart: “Dole, please, you have to pull me up or I’ll
drop a thousand feet into the tundra!”
Dole: “No, there’s no time to call Elizabeth now, Bob!”
Newhart: “Yes, I know she’s an attractive woman, Bob,
and I understand why you want to hang in there, but to be fair,
you still can’t tie my lifeline on to it. It just won’t
hold me, Bob!”
Well, you get the picture. It’s all fun but I’m still
not calling my kid to come watch. I want my son to see men who
have not sold out, men who are a cut above needing a buck or
a babe, don’t you?
Bob Dole is a good old boy nice guy too and he can sell products on TV with the best of pitchmen, but his point of view has been left limp because of this fact. I feel sorry for this guy when I see his arm and how his suit coat sleeve hangs, but I’m still not calling my son to watch this with me.
Here’s my top 10 questions
for future Clinton and Dole TV debates:
1. Are boys who accepted being drafted or who enlisted really
suckers?
2. Should Integrity really count in the total makeup of a man?
3. How do you feel about political office holders who lie?
4. Should oral sex be confined to a lawful marriage?
5. How do you feel about Pres. George W. Bush keeping his wedding
vows and faith in God sacred?
6. Are either of you using your appearance on "60 Minutes"
to further your party politics?
7. How much is "60 Minutes" paying each of you to appear
and do you intend to give all your earnings to charity?
8. How do you feel about Presidential pardons for the wealthy?
9. Have either of you ever used your elected position to earn
extra money?
10. Have either of you had a chance to speak with Monica since the scandal?
©2003 by Andy Murcia.
The Andy Murcia caricature is ©2003 by Jim Hummel. The photos
of Clinton and Dole are courtesy of PBS.
You
can comment on this column online. Please address your message
to either "The Editors" or Andy Murcia . To send an
email, click here: talkback@thecolumnists.com
| Home | About Us | Archives | Talkback | Shopping Mall |