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Observations of An Ex-Cop in La La Land |
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Oklahoma City also had
another disaster: Andy
of TheColumnists.com
In 1986, veteran newspaper writer Bob Stewart and I
co-authored a book called “Man to Man: When The Woman You
Love Has Breast Cancer.” Up until then, neither of us had
published a book.
Bob was a writer at the San Antonio Light newspaper, working
the TV beat, and the only thing I'd written were my Chicago police
reports. We were a team of limited experience. I was able to
get us a big time literary agent in NYC, and a publisher was
found, mainly because our book was about my wife, the actress
Ann Jillian, and her ordeal with breast cancer. (Bob had been
through the same experience with his wife, so he was the ideal
person to help me tell my story.)
St. Martin’s Press decided Ann Jillian’s popularity merited a professional book tour for Bob and me. Ann would help us start the book tour in New York with an interview on the very hot talk show hosted by Phil Donahue, who devoted his entire show to Ann and our book.
The marketing people at
St. Martin’s felt the rest of the media would then fall
into place for just Bob and me, so Ann flew home to Los Angeles,
leaving us to do the rest of the New York part of the tour. Bob
and I appeared on the national shows like, “Good Morning
America” and “Regis” and the newspaper, magazine,
and radio syndicates were also interviewing us.
Man, we were getting hot! Bob and I were growing accustomed to
sitting in make-up chairs and being pampered by everyone. “Can
I get you some coffee, perhaps something to eat,” they all
asked. Complete strangers seemed so happy to meet us.
For awhile, we had our mugs photographed so often, I frequently found myself looking in a mirror, practicing my smile for those times I might tell a funny story on TV--and my serious looks for those times when I had to re-live some of the painful moments dealing with Ann's breast cancer. Heck, I even brushed my teeth before each show!
I was amazed at how easy
this all was: You write a book, get an agent who “loves
you, baby” and he gets a publisher for your book. They even
give you a big fat check! This was a snap. I started thinking
about “Man to Man 2.” Briefly, I entertained the thought
of doing a “Man 3” on my own, leaving Bob Stewart behind.
I mean, Bob was only this nice, slow-talking guy from Texas who
didn’t know how to pitch a deal. Yes, he sure could write,
but wasn't it me who got us this far. Maybe I would deep six
the “co-author” bit and do a single on my own? But
Bob was my friend and I soon got those thoughts out of my head.
We were doing book signings, reading our own great, absolutely
true reviews and I believed every one of them.
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Bob Stewart. |
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In newspaper offices and television “green rooms,” gals were coming up to me, asking me to sign their books or pose for a photo with them. "Sure,” I said, “my pleasure.” I’d put my arm around their waists and pull them in close as if we really knew each other. This was fantastic! I was never this popular in my life! They usually said, “please say hello to Ann Jillian for me” and I’d wink at the pretty ones and say, “You got it babe. Will do!’
As I crawled into our stretch limo I’d close my eyes, rub my temples and listen to the press agent telling me where they were waiting for me to appear next. It was a grind all right, but I felt like I was only following where destiny led me. I always felt the best was yet to come for me on this book tour.
Alone in my hotel room,
I looked in the mirror. I was first starting to see the real
me that apparently my audience had already discovered. Ann said
I had these “big, brown, puppy-dog eyes” and a “very
cute smile.” She said I had a “charm” about me
that could talk the devil out of being bad. She’s right,
I get that from my dear Irish mother, Rose Donovan. But I soon
started questioning myself like, “would I still have time
to manage Ann Jillian’s career? If this publicity heat keeps
coming my way, would I need to have a personal manager to handle
my blossoming career?"
Lots of questions in need of answers.
Then one day the phone rang in my hotel room. It was an executive from a major hospital chain. I’ll just refer to him as “Mr. Marketing.” He wanted Ann and me to come to Oklahoma City for some personal appearances. As we chatted, I told him Bob and I would be making appearances for my book tour, but Ann would not be with us. I gave him my schedule listing my appearances. I had most of the major newspaper and radio syndicates lined up and I was busier than a one-armed paperhanger.
Next week I would leave NYC to appear in 22 cities before the book tour would be done. In each city, I’d be met by a local press rep and limo’d to interviews by their local newspaper, TV, and radio shows. I’d then be whisked off to the next airport or train station. Man this was exciting. Sure, I toured lots of times with Ann, but this was MY tour now.
Well, before I left NYC, “Mr. Marketing” called me back to say he didn’t need to book both Ann and me. Seems after he watched me on all those national TV shows, he wanted just me. Being a loyal guy, I told him that my co-author should at least be included. He reluctantly agreed, saying, “Well, okay, I’ll include Bob”.
“Mr. Marketing” said he would set up a couple of newspaper interviews that I could do from the road via phone, and that he would toss a cocktail party on the evening we arrived. The following day we would then appear on their early morning TV shows, do several radio interviews, and then head to their giant Mall.
At the Mall, Bob and I
would give a lecture to the audience and then do a big book signing.
He’d have at least 2,000 books on hand. He’d also have
a local Radio DJ personality there to be my “opening act”
and introduce us. Wow, this was really big time show business!
I was impressed. I did ask him, though, if he was positive that
he didn’t need Ann to attend? He said; “You’re
all I need, Andy. You were great on 'Good Morning America' and
'Donahue' and you killed them on 'Regis.' “In fact, you’d
make a great replacement should Regis ever retire.”
Wow, this guy was making sense to me. I mean, come on, he’s
not some idiot, he’s a well-respected corporate marketing
professional. He knows stuff!
So, we did the tour and Oklahoma City is next. “Mr. Marketing” personally picks up Bob and me at the airport in his super luxury automobile. As he’s driving us to our hotel, he’s running down the schedule he’s put together. As we pass the Mall he takes pride in pointing out their big sign that reads; “ANDY MURCIA, SATURDAY 10 a.m. CENTER COURT.” I immediately got this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, and asked. “Shouldn’t they have said I’m Ann Jillian’s husband up there?” He said, “Nah, everyone knows Andy Murcia after all those national shows, come on, you kidding me?” So, I said, “I yield to your better judgment, Pal.”
Bob and I went up to our rooms to freshen up. “Mr. Marketing” was to meet us in the “Can’t Miss” banquet room for the cocktail party in an hour.
I gave Ann a call and told her I'd arrived, but didn’t have much time to talk because there was a cocktail party in my honor. She cautioned me to “just be yourself now” and told me to “break a leg” for luck.
I took a fast shower, put on my best suit, brushed my teeth (again), and checked my smile in the mirror, blinking my big brown puppy eyes. I was ready. I got Bob and off to the “Can’t Miss” banquet room we went.
They introduced me to everyone and cameras were clicking. Man, I was feeling good. I must be hot! So, I had a little “drinky poo” to keep my cool as I “worked” the room.
Finally it was time for Bob and I to say a few words. Bob opened with “Howdy” and I took it from there. I was scoring big. I heard laughs and saw a blanket of smiling faces. Not wanting to steal the entire show, I gave it back to Bob for a few. He said “how important this all was” and I came on again. I shot them my "off" line, got the laugh and standing ovation, and then we were out of there.
Later, as Bob and I sat in the hotel’s steak joint, Bob said, “Man, Andy, this guy sure does things right!” referring to “Mr. Marketing.” I agreed. It was all “top shelf.”
Next morning “Mr. Marketing” picked us up off we went to the early morning television and radio shows. We were great and the hosts loved us. At last, we arrived at the Mall before the doors opened for the public. I noticed there was a big stage set up in “center court” with about 250 chairs in front of it. Along the sides of the stage, forming a “V” are two extra long display tables, where copies of our books were stacked several feet high. These tables have three sales ladies, each ready to sell our books. We met the local radio DJ who would introduce us come “show time.”
But there was just one problem: The mall was empty!
Except for a few people rushing to open their shops and a cleaning man on level three, looking down on us all while resting his chin on his mop handle, there were no other signs of life. I asked “Mr. Marketing” where the audience was. He advised me to “relax” because the mall didn’t open for another 15 minutes.
Fifteen minutes later, the mall was open and still not one person had turned up to sit in our audience section. A few shoppers making returns walked by, but nobody sat on the chairs. Still later, “Mr. Marketing” looked at his watch. It was well past the time we were scheduled to start.
“So, everyone knows Andy Murcia?” I said to the marketing guy. "Yeah, sure they do."
It’s humiliating to realize one's "career" has come to an abrupt halt. Worse yet, we were told we had to do a talk anyway because it had been advertised. I ask if this was a bad joke? I’m told it’s not and so Bob Stewart climbed the stairs to the stage and took the microphone. The six sales ladies, “Mr. Marketing” and me watched as Bob started to speak. I found this not only dumb, but sort of comical, so I went up on stage, too. I begged the microphone from Bob, addressed myself to the guy leaning on his mop, and said, in true rock concert style, “Thank you, Oklahoma City. You’ve been a great audience!”
Then Bob and I walked off stage. I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh more or cry. I was not prepared for this show business fall from grace. I mean, this had never happened to Ann Jillian on any of her tours.
As we were walking out of the mall, a fan of Ann’s approached me, autograph book in hand and asked, “Where’s Ann?” I told him she was not with me this time. He looked almost as depressed as I must have looked. He turned and walked away.
As I crawled into my drape-drawn, darkened hotel room, feeling as low as a snake, I felt like such a failure. I did what any failing husband would do: I called my wife. As I told Ann all about this nightmare, I kept hearing an occasional “wheezing” sound on her end. I first thought this noise was chest congestion or a bad connection. But soon I recognized what it was when it turned into full blown, uncontrollable laughter.
“Now you’re a
pro, Andy," she said between wheezes. "You've been
given a lesson in humility.”
Listening to Ann’s infectious laugh soon had me laughing,
too. She was right. I was brought down to earth in Oklahoma City
one Saturday morning at a mall. My search for stardom had crashed
and burned.
Lookin back, I now realize my book tour was truly a learning experience. I'd learned never to take myself so seriously again. There was only one star in this family and it wasn’t me, baby!
Bob Stewart today is doing great. He writes for People magazine and has had several "solo" books published. I’m sure he misses me a lot on his book tours.
I can proudly say though that “our” book, eventually sold out. It was printed in four languages around the world and is still recognized as the first of its kind. It continues to help others and has even been credited with saving a life or two along the way. This makes me very happy.
Sadly for me, none of its success was due to my cute smile or big brown puppy-dog eyes. How humiliating! I have to end this column now as I think I hear Ann starting to “wheeze” again and I want to get in on the laughing, too.
©2003 by Andy Murcia.
The caricature of Andy Murcia is ©2003 by Jim Hummel.
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