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Observations of An Ex-Cop in La La Land |
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REALITY TV?
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Boxers in wheelchairs?
Cops without heads? Hmm!
of TheColumnists.com
"I’ve got an idea that will make us a kazillion
dollars," says the guy who's pitching the network chiefs.
"We can go syndicated or pay per view. Let me lay it out
for you TV industry leaders."
Here's what he tells them:
"You see, we get these tough guys whose legs just don’t work–you know, maybe some biker dude who lost his legs in an accident and a tough combat veteran who got his legs blown off in Baghdad. Then we put 'em in a boxing ring.
"Hey, I mean these
guys wanna be treated just like men with two good legs, right?
So if guys with legs can take up boxing, why can’t these
guys prove how tough they are? It'll be real inspiring, you know--emotional,
too! And away we go–on our way to making a lot of long money,
baby!
The network guys haven't thrown him out yet, so he goes on...
"Here's how we do it, see: We use a regular boxing ring except we rig up something where the ropes will part for the ramp we use to roll the boxers into the ring. So here comes Michael Buffer with the introductions, but this time when he says, "Let's get ready to rumble!" we actually hear this deafening rumbling as the wheelchairs come rolling down the aisles and up the ramps. Sure, the entry is all special fireworks, too. You know, music, flags waving, the whole drill. And the fighters wear these real short robes, so they don't run over their hems with their wheelchairs. Okay? You get it? These dudes are "hell on wheels!!"
"Now, get this–the ref wears leg pads much like a hockey goalie to protect himself from being maimed by the wheelchairs, which have all these sharp edges and these frightening logos like 'The Destroyer' and 'Death Wagon.' all over 'em.
"If a guy’s chair gets knocked over, but the fighter's still conscious, the ref picks the chair up, hauls the guy back in it and it counts as a knockdown. If the fighter's woozy, the ref can count him out or call it a TKO, but normally he'll let the bout roll on. These guys have a lot of pride.
"Now you're probably wondering what happens if there's an accidental chair pileup that disables the other guy's chair. Well, if it’s not past the fourth round, we call it a draw, but if it’s past the fourth round, we go to the scorecards.
"Listen I know some people might say this is gross, but after all, people want to see this sort of thing. Like Jerry Springer says about his show: “It’s entertainment and people want to see it!”
"So what do you guys think? Maybe just a pilot to see how it goes?"
For a beat, nobody says
anything. Then one of the network execs speaks up:
"Can we get Don King to promote it and do his patriotic
thing, waving a flag in each hand? Sign King and you've got a
deal."
Meanwhile, over at a rival network, another program
pitch is in progress:
"Try to picture this one: Curse of the Headless Cop!
"See, these Al Queida rats kidnap the wrong man. They want the scientific brain who can help them put a nuke together. But they make this mistake and who do they grab? A tough Chicago cop who's been called up with his reserve unit. Well, as soon as they find out this ain't the science guy, they bring out the sword. Meanwhile, he's telling 'em to go "f" themselves with a pork sausage--and they get madder than hell. Now this cop also happens to be a religious guy and just when he feels the sword blade against his neck, he asks God to give him strength to survive this.
"Well, they whack
him and off goes the head. It rolls up in a corner and starts
cursing them. While they're distracted, the headless body rises
up and starts kung-fu-ing the crap out of them. He punches 'em,
he kicks 'em, he stomps 'em. And pretty soon they're all dead
and there's just this headless cop standing there, listening
to his former head say its last words, which are...AVENGE ME!"
There's a stunned silence, which the pitchman takes as a good
sign. He goes on:
"Like, each week there's a new crisis where our guys are cornered by these insurgents--and out of the mists comes The Headless Cop to the rescue. Only now he's carrying his rotting former head, which, if we get a second season, becomes just a bleached-white skull. Think of the merchandising deals we can make on those!"
When there's still no response,
he meekly stumbles on:
"If the war ends, he can come home and take up his old beat
in Chicago," he says. "And look at the budget economies.
You don't need to hire anybody but a stunt extra to wear the
"headless cop" outfit. No big star salary! I mean,
the leading guy has no freakin' head!!!"
Finally, one of the executives speaks up:
"You just don't get it, do you? What America wants is reality television. Headless cops aren't real!!"
Back at the other network, the same pitchman is coming in with yet another pitch:
"Like you say, sports are big right now, so here's another idea:
"We need to do something positive about the homeless crisis in America. We've got to get these bums out of sleeping in doorways and into the productive life. So, okay, here we go: We start the Bums Basketball Assn. The BBA.
"I got this crew that can go from city to city and find bums who are not too drunk or coked up to sign contracts. We train them for a day, pop them in basketball uniforms and put them in the Staples Center on the Lakers and Clippers off nights. Sure, we know there will be some bad play. Some might need a drink or two between plays. But think of the fights that will break out on the sidelines! The crowd will love it!
"We can have a gurney courtside with a few interns from a local med school who can practice stitching up the bums' bottle cuts. Trick is, we can only permit them to drink so much per quarter or else they’ll fall down and not be playable. Should this happen, we have sub bums on the bench. We want them intoxicated enough to be funny to watch, but NOT plastered. That's boring. You with me on this?"
Says one executive: "I
have two issues with this. First, how can these 'bum' fights
top the brawls the regular NBA players are giving us? And here's
another beef: What if my family and I are courtside? Won’t
the body order from these bums be horrible?"
The pitchman smiles, like he was ready for that one: "We'll
hose 'em down before each game--and we'll televise that part,
too. Better yet, we get Procter & Gamble to sponsor the BBA
games and show how well these guys clean up when they start using
P&G products in all the commercials!!
"As for topping the regular NBA brawls, don't worry. Our bums will use broken beer bottles to defend themselves. We'll have a ready supply courtside. That alone will guarantee some real blood spilling. That's reality! And no special effects either!"
The network guys are all
grinning. They see a mint to be made. The network guys start
to chant together, "Green light, green light. Let the bums
go out and fight! We see a 30 share each night!" Our pitchman
has himself another deal.
While all of the above is, of course, our sick humor, I wonder where the real reality TV shows will top off? I mean they already have progressed to shows where people are eating live maggots and they're calling that entertainment.
My 12-year-old son helped me develop some of these ideas, but even he thought they were all “sick, Dad!” I can’t stand watching any of the real reality TV shows on the tube today. They make me ill. I mean, enough is enough!
On a serious note, these shows have put professional actors out of work. Actors with children to feed and payments to make for their homes and medical insurance. Reality shows thrive partly because the producers get to keep all the big money and don't have to pay real actors.
How long will this awful trend last? It will last as long as audiences watch them. I beg you TV viewers, please stop watching them forthwith. Once the audience gets sick of them, they'll be gone like bad fish. Hey, wait--bad fish! That gives me another idea for a show...
©2004 by Andy Murcia. The caricature of Andy Murcia is ©2003 by Jim Hummel. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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