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OF MASS DESTRUCTION  THE DEADLY PYHSTYWP DESCENDS UPON A TERRORIST |
We need some new tools
to fight global terrorism
By ANDY MURCIA
of TheColumnists.com
By now you’ve heard about the cruise ship that was attacked off the coast of Somalia by two small boatloads of terrorist pirates. They had aimed grenade-launchers and machine guns at the ship in their attempt to board it.
Then cruise ship’s security folks aimed their LRAD (long range audio device) at the pirates and quickly headed out to sea while the pirates sped away, holding their ears.
A high tech corporation in San Diego, California, developed the LRAD. I don’t know about you, but I was impressed with this new generation weapon, first developed to prevent terrorists from doing damage to US Naval ships, like they did to the USS Cole.
LRAD aims “bangs” of super=high decibel sound at its target. It causes extreme pain as it goes beyond of 120 decibels up to about 150 decibels. This awesome volume makes the heavy metal band Metallica sound like somebody dropping a book in a Christian Science reading room! The LRAD’s target range is about one mile. I like our cruise ships having weaponry like this. In fact I think they should have even more. I read that they do have some more surprises for our terrorist creeps.
This got me thinking about what other types of weapons I might invent to combat cowardly terrorists, especially those who enjoy attacking non-military targets.
Here are some of the weapons I've dreamed up so far:
* The FSYSH: This stands for the “Falafel, Slap You Silly Hand”. Here’s how it works. When a sneaky terrorist trys to attack, the FSYSH machine stretches out a long hand-like extension, holding a face-sized, very stale falafel. The device then slaps the terrorist's face repeatedly until he starts to cry like a sissy and runs home to hide in his cave.
* Next I developed the deadly PYHSTYWP. This stands for a device with the official name, “Pull Your Headwrap So Tight You Will Poop”. This weapon looks like a giant pair of pliers. It can grab a terrorist by the headwrap and twist it until he poops his drawers and his eyeballs pop out. The extra benefit of eyeball popping is not wasted energy either. When blown out of their sockets with such titanic force they become as lethal as 12 gauge shot gun pellets.
The only downside to this weapon is that, in our tests so far, we have not found a foolproof way to tell the difference between terrorists and New York cab drivers or, for that matter, busboys at Italian restaurants who may be setting up checkered tablecloths and doing nobody any harm at all. So far we've lost a few hundred cab drivers and half dozen or so busboys. We know we can do better and are working on this aspect of the weapon night and day.
One more added feature of this PYHSTYWP is that it can also grab the terrorists’ shirt-dress and pull it off him leaving him totally exposed. For those who are nearly “males” the pliers can also be configured to tear their cojones right off! For those fundamentalist religious terrorists, it can be quite humiliating to be exposed, so the world can see they look like women under their caftans.
* Lastly my favorite new weapon from my workshop is the SCSS: This stands for the “Spear Chuck Shishkabob Stick”. This weapon is a dilly! It automatically chucks pointy sticks into the terrorist's throat as soon as he takes his first bite of the meat on the stick. To develop this weapon I had to seek out the world's largest shishkabob stick-maker. Turns out they are made in New York City, not far from where the World Trade Center buildings once stood. To locate this company I had to tail a pushcart vendor of shishkabob chicken sticks until he led me to the factory.
Returning at night, I entered the factory and inserted the invisible computer chips I designed for every new shishkabob stick manufactured there. As with all new weapons in testing phase this one has an element that I’ve not perfected just yet. It seems the shishkabob sticks have also throat-speared several Howard Stern-type shock jocks. We can’t figure out why this is occurring since they are not known terrorists but simply big mouthed goof balls. We think it might have something to do with the fact that terrorist and shock jocks are both fond of making cowardly attacks on others.
Stay tuned for further developments. We have a few more weapons in the pipeline that you might like.
Let me tease you with this my BBDG, which stands for “Brown Bomber Drawers Grabber” or my SNFP, which stands for “Sandal Needle Foot Pricker.” If you have a vivid imagination, you may be able to figure out how these work before we're able to reveal the total plans.
©2005 by Andy Murcia. The illustration mixes elements from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Nov. 14, 2005.
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