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From Dec. 3, 1999 |
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...here's how he might do with Ted Koppel, Larry King, Charlie Rose and Barbara Walters
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Reporting from Washington:  Ted Koppel |
Koppel (solemnly): We in the media are often accused of exploiting trivial
stories and ignoring the significant ones. But tonight, as we
approach the millennium, we hope
to help rectify that with a one-on-one talk with The Almighty,
if I may call Him that. In any case, we’re delighted You
could take a few minutes out from your hectic schedule.
God: Always
happy to make myself available, Mr. Koppel.
Koppel: Please,
“Ted.” Your critics would say that You’re not
always quite so available. You’re one of the more elusive
characters of this or any century. What gives? Why this constant
hide-and-seek? Can You give us any insight into what You have
in store for the next millennium?
God:
It would be highly premature to speculate, Mr. Kop...Ted. I never
get into hypotheticals. Let’s take a wait-and-see approach.
Koppel: I
gotta tell Ya, Sir, You have a lot of us out here scared as hell
as to what the next millennium may bring. Your record on the
current millennium wasn’t all that hot, if You don’t
mind me saying so. Many of those wars, depression, worldwide
famine -- well, I could go on. And now all this El Nino business...
God: Hey,
I did the best I could. It hasn’t been an easy 1,000 years,
largely because I’ve had so little cooperation from, well,
the little people, as I affectionately call them.
Koppel:
I appreciate Your candor, and it was awfully good of You to talk
with me. I know it’s been a long millennium. When we come
back, we’ll get the views of two opposing religions....
 Larry King
Live.Larry’s guest tonight: God. |
King: Thanks
and good evening! We welcome to our cameras someone I’ve
tried to get on this show for years--a man I personally have
admired from afar for decades--and I’d like to think that
feeling is reciprocal--someone who seems to be everywhere at
once, a Supreme Being known far and wide for his many accomplishments
as well as for his charitable work. It’s a real thrill for
a Jewish kid from Brooklyn. Wow! Lemme just start by telling
you that, while I haven’t read Your new best-selling scripture
yet, I’m a huge fan of the first testament, but why a third
volume of Bible stories now? Your thoughts on that.
God:
Bible III had been kicking around in my head for years, Larry,
the timing seemed right, and -- well, I wanted to show that the
first two books weren’t flukes, as certain critics intimated.
King:
It’s selling like crazy! We’ll touch on the book later,
but for now I’d like to know why a major holy spirit like
Yourself, who would seem to have everything going for him, feels
a need to keep working at Your age? Why not retire? It ain’t
a bad life!
God: Larry,
when you’ve been in this business as long as I have, being
all-powerful just gets in your blood. I don’t know what
I’d do with so much free time. I’m not a golfer and,
while I love spending time with my family of man, I --
King: Wow!
Which raises another point. Ya know, we read now and again that,
well, “God is Dead,” and yet here You are, on my show,
big as life. Like, hey, how do You respond to those rumors?
God: They’re
just that, Larry. What more can I say?
King: Wow!
When we come back, folks, we’ll take your calls, so don’t
go away. We got a helluva show tonight. In the next segment,
Billy Crystal is here--another wild and crazy guy--and then we
go to Denver to the gardeners in the Jon-Benet Ramsey murder
case, so stay tuned. It’s another big night here on Larry
King Live...
 This is Charlie Rose. |
Rose: Good
evening. Tonight I’m pleased to say that at this table is
someone I’ve known for a very long time, a sometime North
Carolinian, and a man I’m happy to call a personal friend
and Tar Heels fan (laughs) -- the Lord God. (Slaps desk) Welcome!
God: Thanks,
Charlie. Always a pleasure to talk to You.
Rose: (Laughs)
Boy, it’s been awhile since we last saw each other -- a
couple of years ago at Ben and Sally’s, I guess.
God: That’s
right. You have a good memory.
Rose: How
can I forget? (laughs) It’s not every day I sit next to
a “cosmic presence,” as Tom Friedman calls You in today’s
Times.
God: You
get around pretty good yourself. I remember that time at Bill
Buckley’s place when Marty Peretz said to Roone...
Rose: (laughs)
I’m sure You do! I’m sure You do! But let me start
off with something people wonder about -- this whole millennium
thing. Is the media overplaying it?
God: No,
I don’t think so. A new millennium doesn’t roll around
every day, but what’s most important to keep in mind is...
Rose: Let
me just break in here to ask what You, God -- a man with his
finger on the pulse of millions -- has in store for the next
1,000 years? Fella, I don’t mind telling you that some of
us are dyin’ to know! (laughs)
God: OK,
let’s take a random look at July 23rd, 2018...
Rose:
Before You do that, let me just throw out some names for your
quick responses: Moses...Mary Magdalene...Jerry Tarkanian...
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in New Paltz, New York  ...Barbara Walters |
Walters: Hi.
As you know, I’ve spoken to just about every major celebrity
on God’s green earth, which is why it’s such a special
treat to be here with God himself on a few acres of that same
blessed ground -- and very well-manicured it is, too, I might
add. (smiles) Some spread you have here.
God: It’s
my favorite getaway, Barbara, when the city gets too crazy. I’ve
been here for, gosh, I hate to think how long, but this just
says home to me, a quiet spot where I can gather my thoughts
and --
Walters: We all need a place like that no matter who we are.
I know I do. I must say You look very well and rested since You
turned your life around after the Dark Ages. And y’know,
although we just met, I feel I’ve known You since I was
a little girl. Do You effect others that same way? I mean, gosh,
You’ve known nearly everyone, so when somebody like Richard
Gere or Goldie Hawn meets You, are they as -- well, bowled over
and just plain humbled as I am now?
God: Barbara,
I just try to do my thing and let others be the judge.
Walters: Well, then let me just say it in front of You and
everyone: Judge on high, You are one terrific down-to-earth guy!
(smiles) Sexy, too. But I really wouldn’t be doing my job
if I didn’t ask about Your exact relationship these days
with Drew Barrymore. I know You two became extremely close during
the death of her cat...
Copyright 1999 Gerald Nachman. Portrait of God is from the IMSI Master/Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA 94901-5506, USA. Ted Koppel photo courtesy ABC News. Larry King photo courtesy TNT. Barbara Walters photo courtesy ABC News. Charlie Rose photo courtesy PBS.
You can comment on this column or contact Gerald Nachman with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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