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Spoken Here A Filmland Lexicon
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It's their own language
with its own little twists
of TheColumnists.com
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Hollywood movers and shakers speak their own special language called "Hollywoodese." To understand their language, you must read between the lines, perhaps more than you need to do with any other language. In this column, Mr. Nachman translates the Hollywoodese, so you might fully comprehend what's being said. |
“Steven Spielberg is very interested in my script!”: A secretary at Spielberg’s office confirms she received it.
“The public loves this movie!": The critics hated it.
“The director encourages improvisation.”: The director has no idea what he wants.
“The critics love this movie!”: Nobody else has seen it.
“Uncredited cameo.”: The actor owes the producer a favor from 1978.
“Steven Spielberg is looking at the script.”: He hasn’t sent it back yet.
“The feel-good film of the year!”:
Extremely sappy with at
least one cute dog.
“Winner of the coveted Golden Ear Award!”: Best sound-mixing for a short subject
from the 1998 Estonia Film Festival.
“A star as demanding on herself as she is on others”: Colossal bitch.
“I met with an executive from Spielberg’s office.”: Had coffee with the head of the mail room.
“Seen together a lot.”: They're sleeping together.
“International star.”: Did a USO tour to Kuwait in 1991.
“He’s a real perfectionist.”: He's a major pain in the neck.
“My first love has always been theater.”: Can’t get arrested in Hollywood.
“Spielberg is giving my script serious consideration.”: Spielberg office still hasn’t sent it back after six months.
“Some people put down television but some of the most interesting film work is being done for TV today.”: Hasn’t worked in movies since 1987.
“Before being lured away by Hollywood,
she appeared in New York theater in many varied roles.”:
She played maids and cops
in off-off Broadway plays in the `80s.
“Close personal friend.”: They're sleeping together.
“A movie for children of all ages!”: Specifically, between the ages of 8 and 12.
“I finally heard from Spielberg’s office and they’re giving the script a close look.”: They lost the script but vow to keep looking for it.
“A movie for the ages!”: Direct to DVD.
“A gut-wrenching performance with Oscar-winner written all over it!”: Wildly over the top.
“A special lifetime achievement award.”: The person is in intensive care.
“Has worked with Tom Cruise, Julia Roberts and George Clooney.”: Was an extra with them on three films in the late 1980s.
“The funniest movie since ‘Bridget
Jones’s Diary’!”: Total rip-off of “Bridget Jones’s Diary.’”
“Spielberg’s office wants to see a new script.:”
They can’t find the
old copy.
“New business manager.”: They're also sleeping together.
“A movie in the grand tradition of ‘Casablanca’!’’:
The movie is set in Morocco.
“Limited engagement!”: Not selling any tickets.
“A real treat for Howie Mandel fans!”: Everybody else stay away.
“Head of his wife’s production company.”: He attends screenings with star wife.
“The preview cards were quite helpful.”: Needs major recutting.
“In the end it just wasn’t the right part for me, but Tom Hanks will be great in it.”: Couldn’t get an audition.
“Mixed reviews.”: Everyone hated it except Peter Travers of Rolling Stone.
“Imagine ‘Seinfeld’ Meets ‘Ghostbusters’!”: You imagine it; a complete mess.
“Bobby DeNiro is looking at it.”: Script sent to a guy who once cut DeNiro’s lawn.
“I tell him everything; we’ve become very close.”: Slept together.
“Five years in the making!”: $50 million over-budget.
“See this movie with someone you love!”:
In the final scene, the
kid with cancer finally recovers.
“I took a meeting with Steve Spielberg last week.”:
Ran into him in the men’s
room at The Grill.
“The picture is doing huge business in Asia.:” Nobody’s heard of it in America.
“A comedian’s comedian.”: Not working but very big at the Friar’s Club.
“Additional dialogue.”: Original screenwriter stomped off the set during shooting.
“An exciting project.”: Everything in Los Angeles County not
nailed down.
“Breathtaking cinematography!”: Aimless plot, silly characters, dreadful direction.
“A tireless worker for humanitarian causes.”: Hasn’t done a film since 1992.
“We’ve become great friends off the set.”: Might still sleep together.
“My agent is shopping the script around. There’s been a lot of industry interest in it so far.”: After Spielberg’s office sent the script back un-read, it was immediately sent to Harvey Weinstein, Mike Nichols, Disney and Quentin Tarantino.
©2007 by Gerald Nachman. The Nachman caricature is ©2000 by Jim Hummel. The illustration is from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Jan. 1, 2007.
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