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THE MOVIE |
 JAMES GANDOLFINI AS TONY SOPRANO |
Confused? Here's what really happens with Tony
of TheColumnists.com
TONY SOPRANO (at
ice cream parlor with his family, shaking his head to clear it):
Geez, I dunno what the
hell happened, but I musta blanked out there for a second.
CARMELA: Thank God! I wondered if you’d been shot or something. There’s a very strange guy lurking at the counter who’s been watching us since we came in.
AJ: I thought maybe you had a heart attack.
MEADOW: You look like you’ve seen a ghost, Daddy. Are you sure you’re OK?
TONY: Nah,
I’m fine. Just felt dizzy there for a second when the door
opened and you rushed in to join us. Suddenly, my next life flashed
before me: there were all these yammering TV critics and talk-show
hosts attacking me for some reason. Then Dr. Melfi asked how
I felt about leavin’ everyone in the lurch, whatever the
hell that means, and then I got indicted by the DA for a cop-out
ending. It was all pretty damn weird.
CARMELA: What did it feel like?
TONY: It was like at home, ya know, when the friggin’ cable goes out for no reason…
AJ: So what do we do now - I mean after we order?
CARMELA: I thought we discussed all this. You’re going to study philosophy at the Sorbonne, Meadow will drop out of law school and become a pole dancer, and I’m seriously considering a ballet career.
TONY: That’s all very nice but in the meantime what happens to me? Yer sayin’ I got no future, after everything I done? I broke my friggin’ hump for you guys.
CARMELA: I think you might consider think about getting your high school diploma and maybe try a new line of work or give something back to the community.
TONY: What the hell am I gonna do? Waste-management is all I know. Garbage is my blood!
CARMELA: Well, for starters, Tony, you might consider managing your own waist. You could stand to lose a few pounds.
TONY: Yeah, yeah -- very funny, very funny. Ha-ha-ha!
MEADOW: Daddy, really--that high-carb diet is going to kill you.
AJ: If the Mob doesn’t get you first! (Tony gives him a playful cuff).
CARMELA: You really should lay off the meatballs, Tony.
MEADOW: Dad, you could do volunteer work or help out at the New Jersey Betterment association. They always need people who care about the quality of life.
CARMELA: You’ve always had a real flair for organizational work, Tony.
TONY: That’s true, Carm. But I been thinkin’ about a coupla things lately. Ever since those ducks showed up in our pool I wondered about getting’ into some sorta wildlife refuge thing. Or, I dunno, maybe family therapy….
CARMELA: Tony, that guy at the counter is looking over here again.
TONY: Lemme go talk to him.
CARMELA: Be careful. He may be dangerous.
TONY (approaches man at counter): Hey, mister, can I help you with somethin’? You’re like freakin’ out my family, ya know?
MAN AT COUNTER: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just so struck by what a lovely family you have. I’m a photographer with the Newark Star-Ledger and wondered if you’d mind letting me take a few shots for the Family Living section?
TONY: No kiddin’! Sure, why not? (they pose for a few shots; the man leaves). Hey, that was kinda fun. Maybe we all oughta take a trip together, ya know--maybe Europe or somewhere.
CARMELA: What a lovely idea! Tony, I never heard you talk like this before? What’s come over you so suddenly?
TONY: I dunno. Beats me. After I blacked out, it’s like I felt real different. I’m not depressed anymore. It’s sorta like I’m a new man, ya know what I’m sayin’? I got a new lease on life--one of those epiphany deals.
MEADOW: Daddy, are you sure you’re all right?
TONY: I think I’m startin’ to see the error of my ways. I’m gonna talk to Father Cacciatore about maybe coachin’ the girls soccer team.
AJ: But you’ve never been to a soccer game.
TONY: Yeah, well, whatever… Maybe boxin’, the rifle team, somethin’. I gotta lotta unused talents you kids don’t know about. My big dream has always been to open one of them bed and breakfast places.
CARMELA: Oh, Tony, could we? That would be such fun. I could handle the business and housekeeping end and you could be the host out front.
TONY: Ya really don’t see a lot of B and B’s around here. Lemme check at the Bada Bing! and see if anyone’s got any leads on a real nice B and B in North Jersey.
CARMELA: I thought it would be more fun to turn our own place into a B and B. The kids will be gone, Ton’, and we’ve got all these extra rooms…
TONY: Yeah, that makes more sense. And eventually we could control all the mom and pop inns in this part of Jersey….
©2007 by Gerald Nachman. The Nachman
caricature is ©2000 by Jim Hummel. The photo is courtesy
of HBO. This column first posted June 18, 2007.
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can comment on this column online. Please address your message
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