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AWARD SHOWS FOR HIM  This is the trophy Nachman won for Life Achievement in Couch Potato circles. He has yet to have it inscribed because he found out he'll have to pay for it. |
Nachman Wins Coveted
Couch Potato Award
By GERALD NACHMAN HIMSELF
of TheColumnists.com
Imagine Gerald Nachman’s surprise when he tore open an envelope from the Academy of Couch Potato Arts & Sciences to learn that he was the winner of a Lifetime Achievement award for Non-Viewing of Awards Shows, which he calls “the thrill of a thrill-deficient lifetime.”
“I had no inkling that I was even
being considered!,” Nachman gushed
to reporters.
The prize is awarded annually to the television viewer who manages
to ignore the most awards shows over a lifetime. Nachman, cited
the Academy, has watched fewer awards shows than any American
with a TV set over a 40-year span.
“While I richly deserve it, needless to say I’m flattered and honored,” said Nachman, buried in the large leather chair where he conscientiously avoids awards shows. “I guess it shows that you can’t ever give up. I was certain my time had come and gone. To think that at my age the Academy would even consider me - it’s just too exciting. Maybe it will inspire others.”
He added, “I’m just speechless, but I’ll give one anyway,” and delivered a 20-minute thank you as onlookers slowly filtered out of the room.
The aging writer said he was “humbled merely to be nominated,” and noted that he looks forward to not attending - or, of course, even watching -- the ceremony to be held April 18 at 3 a.m. in a back room in an all-night Denny’s restaurant in Glendale, Calif.
Nachman - albeit a selective viewer of documentaries, Giants baseball games, old movies, Sandra Lee cooking shows and anything on CNN involving Erin Burnett -- judiciously avoids watching the Golden Globes, People’s Choice, New York Film Critics, Country Music, Grammy, Tony and Emmy awards shows. He also goes out of his way not to tune into the Miss America, Miss Universe, Miss World, Miss Teenage America, Mrs. America or even pedophile toddler pageants and the new AARP film awards show.
“It’s tougher and tougher to avoid these awards ceremonies since there are two or three on TV every week,” says Nachman. “When I started not watching them there were only two or three a year. I’m sometimes tempted to watch the Miss America contest when I need a good laugh, but I’ve managed to resist it pretty regularly for the last 25 years.”
He confesses that he has watched the opening of a few Oscar telecasts when Billy Crystal is host, and inadvertently a speech by a winner in one of the five major categories, but he’s even been tuning those out recently. The nation, he notes proudly, has joined him in ignoring the show, as total viewership numbers have fallen dramatically in the past few years.
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television set, which he was given as a child in 1948. It is not cable-ready and can receive no award shows because they're all in HDTV and he can't get high def signals. In fact, he can't get anything on his TV except the test pattern, which he rarely watches because it has no musical score. |
“I guess I was a little ahead of the country in my awards show apathy,” Nachman says, modestly. “I burned out on these Hollywood ego-fests about 1995.”
Nachman admits that he sometimes slips up and glimpses a few moments of the Tony awards show, but he first draws the blinds so nobody will see him. “If there’s anything more precious than listening to a young blubbering Oscar winner sobbing her thanks to her drama coach, nanny, hairdresser and all the people who believed in her, it’s having to sit through a sanctimonious speech by Tony winners Patti LuPone or Mandy Patinkin.”
He says that his favorite moment in the few Oscar ceremonies he caught by mistake is when the orchestra begins to play over the comments of a long-winded winning celebrity. “There is nothing more satisfying - unless it’s those moments when highly-paid movie stars are unable to read a few lines off a cue card and totally screw up the introductions.”
Nachman says he has ground down several of his remaining teeth listening to rich and famous celebrities congratulate each other on their greatness, dedication and hard work. One year he was unable to hold down his dinner while watching a Golden Globes winner pour out her heart in a victory speech after winning the award for Best Assistant Wig-Maker. Holding the trophy aloft, she cried, “This is not for me! It’s for all the ignored wig-makers drivers who are finally being recognized for their fine work over the years.”
Nachman says he hasn’t figured out where he will display his Lifetime Achievement award but his first choice is a pawn shop.
©2012 by Gerald Nachman. This column first posted Feb. 20, 2012.
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