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Police dragnet hauls in
lots of dangerous celebs
of TheColumnists.com
2:44 am, Saturday: My
name’s Friday. I was working the celebrity watch out of
Bel Air with my partner Frank Smith when a call came in that
an inebriated movie actor identified as Mel Gibson was spewing
anti-Semitic invective all over the freeway…It was near
the site of other celebrity crackups where we had also hauled
in Nick Nolte and Bob Downey Jr. on DUIs. But a tipster at the
Hollywood Reporter informs us that Gibson, aka “Mad Mel,”
is the ring-leader of a gang of celebrity thugs terrorizing Los
Angeles.
Gibson, whose anti-Semitic rap sheet is as long as your arm,
was ranting about the Jews taking over the world, the media,
the motion picture industry and, of course, the women’s
ready-to-wear business…We’d heard it all before, but
Gibson is known to be armed with studio clout and could be dangerous.
Nolte and Downey had been easily subdued,
however Gibson gave us almost as much trouble as Wynona Ryder,
the Rodeo Drive moll, when we picked her up on a 752-- shoplifting
scarves out of season.
3:10 am:
By the time we arrived on the scene, Gibson had been led away,
babbling that the Jews were also taking over the LAPD. When I
got back to the station, Frank told me that Gibson claimed his
arrest was, as he put it, “the tip of the icebergs.”
Gibson cried, “Those %#@&* icebergs” are part of
a world-wide Jewish conspiracy causing global warming by melting,
hoping to drown all Christians by 2010. He was alleged to have
told officers, “They parted the Red Sea and they’re
going to sink us all!”
Monday, 10:30 am: After learning that Gibson had been booked and was
no longer a threat to anyone but moviegoers, I put in a call
to the new At-Risk Celebrity Crisis Center for stars that have
behaved badly, to see what else was going on. “How’s
Russell Crowe doing?” I asked Sgt. Hank Flange. He told
me Crowe hadn’t attacked any members of the press in the
past 48 hours but was under constant surveillance.
Tuesday, 3:27 pm: A call came in that a little-known lounge singer had
been cited for throwing a telephone at an airlines clerk, a copy-cat
crime first committed by Naomi Campbell, who served 28 days at
the maximum security Sean Penn Prison for Anger Management in
Rancho Mirage, where other celebrity hotheads had done a stretch…The
lounge singer’s name had been withheld for now, pending
notification of his press agent, but the incident involved hurling
a drink at a flight steward for not having the correct change
and, secondarily, for not having heard of him.
Wednesday, 5:51 pm: Frank alerted me that Michael Jackson was heading
for bankruptcy court and might be forced to dump his entire library
of Beatles recordings on the black market. Jackson, a desperate
mug well-known to the sheriff’s office, had eluded several
child-endangerment and molestation charges and was now thought
by the FBI to be hiding out with Roman Polanski in Paris.
Tuesday, 11:20 pm: I was working the night shift out of Hollywood when
a call came in that a man resembling Hugh Grant was picked up
on Sunset Boulevard for purchasing hot DVDs from a female solicitor.
It turned out to be a Hugh Grant impersonator on his way to a
party who was released on Grant’s recognizance.
Wednesday 3:17 pm: The chief called me and Frank in to interrogate Rush
Limbaugh on charges of possession of under-the-counter Cialis,
along with a copy of Hustler and a large bottle of Aleve. Limbaugh
claimed he was the innocent victim of a left-wing conspiracy
and, after haranguing the police for two hours about inadequate
ground troops in Iraq and the impotency of the UN, was let go.
Thursday, 4:47 pm: Environmental actors Woody Harrelson and Daryl Hannah
were arrested for misdemeanor tree-hugging in Griffith Park.
Both were booked and given a retraining order that forbids them
from getting within 150 feet of any major trees.
Friday, 11:32 am: The lab called to report that the fingerprints on
a fraudulent entry in the Pillsbury Bake-Off might belong to
Martha Stewart, whose hands have been clean since she was released
from prison for insider trading. The bake-off is for amateur
cooks, but a grand prize-winning Boston Cream Pie, when dusted
for prints, pointed to a recipe in the March 2005 issue of Martha
Stewart Living....When the bunco squad broke into Stewart’s
kitchen, she had flour on her hands but insisted that she hates
Boston Cream Pie and hadn’t been to Boston in six years.
Her story checked out. The fraudulent pie in question was sent
to our test kitchen for further study. In a moment, the results
of that taste test….
©2006 by Gerald Nachman. The Nachman
illustrations are ©2000 by Jim Hummel. The cartoon is from
IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San
Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted Aug. 7,
2006.
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