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2001 |
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INSIDE HOLLYWOOD EXCLUSIVE! How One Cow Never Made It Jersey's Own Story! |
 THE COWSCAR This statuette was proposed for use at the 2001 Oscar show, but the union representing Hollywood cows demanded regular Oscars. |
Confessions of a Hollywood Cow:
Where's Jersey's Oscar Award?
By
MURRY FRYMER
of TheColumnists.com
AS THE Academy Awards approach, it occurs to me that an animal star has not made it to the top in recent years. No Lassie. No Flicka.
I wondered why. So I went in search of animal stars. I found Jersey, a cow. She has been in films for years (she refused to say how many). She is gay. Hangs around mostly with other cows. She says she likes it.
ME: Jersey, have I seen any of your pictures?
JERSEY: Oh, I'm sure you have. I have been in over 20 westerns. You like movies about cattle rustlers? I'm almost a regular in those!
ME: Really. But your name is never in the credits.
JERSEY: No, not mine, or the 500 others in my union. We often appear in films together. We have a lousy union.
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 GUERNSEY HOPKINS in |
 Be Afraid! BE VERY AFRAID! |
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Murry Frymer, TheColumnists.com |
ME: Do they at least treat you well in Hollywood?
JERSEY: Are you kidding? We get treated like cattle!
ME: I'm sorry to hear that. You should do like the writers and go on strike.
JERSEY: Paramount has a deal with McDonald's. We go on strike and they get us for 50 cents on the hoof.
ME: That sounds bad. So what sort of career are you looking at?
JERSEY: Well, my agent told me that a British film company was thinking of doing a film on Mad Cow Disease. So we're looking into that. But there are some drawbacks.
ME: Like?
JERSEY: Well, they would have to ship me to England for the shoot. And while in England there is always a chance I actually could GET Mad Cow Disease. And then, even if the picture does well, I won't.
ME: That is a risk.
JERSEY: Well, it depends on the money.
ME: They pay you in money?
JERSEY:
What else? Hay?
|
say Cow Union leaders |
 During the last cow actors strike, humans dressed as cows to play crucial cattle roundup scenes. Strikers became burgers. |
 The cow union complained when Dustin Hoffman, wearing more than 600 pounds of makeup, played the leading role in "Bossy Come Home." |
ME: Don't you prefer hay?
JERSEY: That's what the producers want us to think. Listen jowl-face, with money you can buy hay. And a farm to go with it. It's like Bordens said, contented cows are rich cows.
ME: I think they said that the cows they milk are contented cows.
JERSEY: Christ, another reporter jerk. You believe anything.
ME: Wasn't there a time when the studios stopped making Westerns?
JERSEY: Yeah, there was. But I kept working. I have a good agent. I did a little TV on Roy Rogers' retrospectives. One with Gabby Hayes. We have the same agent.
ME: Anything else on the horizon?
JERSEY: They sent me a script called "Stampede" that I'm looking at. But it's the same damn thing. I have to do it with 500 other cattle. It's hard to get noticed. Though they do have a scene with a closeup of my nostrils. And there's another where I go right through a fence. I hope to hell it's a breakaway fence!
ME: Well, this has been eye-opening. I never knew your side of the business. It sounds like a good career.
JERSEY: It's all right. But sooner or later you're hamburger. I saw that happen to the biggest stars. So enjoy it while you can.
ME: Yes.
JERSEY: Say, reporter, do you know anything about hoof-and-mouth disease?
ME: No, I don't.
JERSEY:
I'm up for the lead in some story about that. I suppose I can
do it. I just need to know my motivation. If I get a good director,
I can play anything.
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ME: I bet you could. Except a bull. Ha-ha. Excuse my joke.
JERSEY:
Look who I'm talking to. Nobody from the "E' network has
ever been here. I think I'll go eat some grass. But I never inhale.
Ha-ha. That's a better joke.
Cheow, fella.
©
2001 by Murry Frymer. The cartoons are from IMSI's Master/Clips
Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. East, San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506.
(and spare him a new career as a Hollywood cow agent.)
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You can comment on this column or contact Murry Frymer with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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