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CALIFORNIAN |
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Trying to explain my state
is a serious challenge
By PATRICK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
Being a Californian living outside of California has
always presented certain challenges.
Californians are simultaneously vilified for being too shallow
(all we care about is superficial flash, dude) and too deep (liberal
intellectual elites). We are both too healthy (grilled tofu and
a gym on every corner) and too unhealthy (marijuana-addled ecstasy-popping
sybarites). We are at one time accused of being too materialistic,
then in the next breath called socialists. We are too ascetic
(denying ourselves red meat, whiskey and cigarettes) and too
hedonistic (pleasure-crazed indulgers in promiscuous sex).
California is terrifying (the land of Bloods, Crips, drive-by shootings and Boyz ‘N’ the Hood) and wimpy (effete, fey, homosexual sippers of Chardonnay). Despite endless bashing of Hollywood entertainment, everyone seems to keep lining up for the latest ill-humored gore-fest sequels and gulping down the latest reality television series.
As if defending the land of my birth against this bewildering and contradictory avalanche of stereotypes wasn’t hard enough, California has now really decided to dive headfirst into the shallow end of the farce pool. I would like to take this opportunity to extend a deeply felt thank you to my fellow Californians for making my life as an expatriate even more challenging. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, thanks for the whole recall thing.
Rolling blackouts in the wealthiest state in the nation weren’t enough for you, eh? The irony of no power in Silicon Valley wasn’t thick enough, right? No, you had to do that one better. Bastards.
The worst part about this is that, when I’m not hanging my head in shame, I’m generally being asked by someone out here to explain the recall fandango.
“So, Patrick, what’s going on with your home state and this recall?”
Oh, please. Like I can explain this.
Actually, of course I can explain this.
What it is, see, is Florida. Florida was constantly in the news a few years back with breathless daily updates on cute little Elian Gonzalez, refugee from the hated Castro and his nefarious facial hair. Elian this, Elian that, Elian, Elian, Elian.
Then, once the tyke in question was shipped back to Cuba, Florida briefly fell off the radar. But the state promptly mounted a stunning comeback with the 2000 election and its sordid tale of hanging chads. In newspapers, on the internet, on the evening news, it was, once again, all Florida, all the time. You couldn’t get away from Florida. It was everywhere.
Well, this could not stand. California, you see, does almost everything very well. Except play second fiddle. Californians take a back seat to no one, my friend.
Frustrated with losing precious headline space and condescension from professional opinion-havers to the sunshine state of the East, the left coast promptly counterpunched with a one-two laughingstock combo of its own. Turn off all the lights and elect the Terminator! That’ll show Florida, boy.
And it’s working, too. A recent edition of the Washington Post had six pages in the front section devoted to the recall, plus an op-ed piece. We’re not quite in butterfly ballot territory, but that’s serious coverage. And there’s still time. California is apparently giving serious thought to electing a governor for whom acting was a major career upgrade, from bodybuilding. Thanks, guys. My home state is well on its way to reclaiming the mantle of silliest state in the union.
But you’d better stay on your toes out there. Look sharp. Texas is a real comer, with legislators on the lam and redistricting. I’d start scripting something big for the 2004 presidential election, if I were you.
You wouldn’t want
me to be able to take this paper bag off my head too soon.
©2003 by Patrick McFadden. The illustration is from IMSI's
Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael,
CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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