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IT'S G.I. GEORGE! |
 The Bush Action Figure |
A wish fulfilled at last:
By PATRICK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
George W. Bush has achieved one of my fondest childhood aspirations. No, not being the leader of the free world. President, schmesident, I say.
No, what W. has done to make me green with envy is of far greater significance thatn any mere presidency. He has managed to be made into an action figure.
Blue Box Toys will begin moving George W. Bush action figures this September. They are a full foot tall, and they are named, “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush--U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” That’s really a little long for the name of an action figure, but let us not quibble. It’s $39.95, and a bargain at the price.
I’m jealous. Seriously, wouldn’t you like to have an action figure of yourself? I mean, as long as it was a cool one. You know, something that looked a little tough. No capes or anything. Something involving a uniform, or, failing that, a light saber.
Well, Elite Force W. looks tough. He is, naturally, all gussied up in his flight suit.
You know, the flight suit? The one that he wore when he landed on an aircraft carrier to declare the end of major combat operations in Iraq under a “Mission Accomplished” banner? About, what, 59 body bags ago? Remember that? It was great imagery--the Commander in Chief, strutting across the flight deck.
So great, in fact, that George is now an action figure.
At any rate, he looks sharp in the flight suit. Very butch. It’s an excellent likeness of him, but minus the signature smirk. And they’ve done a really remarkable job of keeping the ears under control. It’s basically the perfect action figure.
The only problem I can see is that it doesn’t talk. That would really put it over the top.
“Bring ‘em on! I’m madder ’n heck! Yellowcake! Watch this drive!”
Now, according to the Washington Post, Blue Box did not seek permission from the White House for the making of Elite Force Shrub. But I cannot possibly see there being any problems here. In fact, I bet the White House is ordering these things by the gross.
According to www.kbtoys.com, demand is so high that if you did not pre-order G.I. George before August 12, it will not ship until October 15. If you did not pre-order by August 16, it will not ship until October 31. Those of you who promptly jumped on the pre-ordering opportunity will have your Bush action figure shipped out on September 15. Now, they didn’t provide exact numbers, but four to six weeks sounds like a heck of a backorder of W. dress-up dolls, doesn’t it?
I really wish I had thought of this. Who wouldn’t want one of these? Republicans can order Elite Force Photo Op to share in the majesty of the moment of Karl Rove’s early start to the 2004 campaign. Democrats can get one and stick pins in it on election night.
The website also tells me that this “incredibly detailed figure is a fitting addition to the collection of those interested in U.S. history, military memorabilia and toy action figures.” I do wonder if they’re going to get in trouble with the White House for throwing in the “toy action figure” bit. I’m betting W. wants everyone to stay away from the whole “toy” angle here.
“Mr. President, another case of the you-toys arrived.”
“It’s not a toy, damn it, it’s military memorabilia.”
In case you’re wondering, by the way, hell yes I’m going to pre-order one of these puppies. Are you kidding me? I just wish there were more.
We could have the President in jeans and boots, with a cowboy hat. “Elite Crawford Rancher--Brush Clearing Bush.” What do you think, is throwing in chaps a bit much? How about a sportier look? “Elite Texas Ranger--Baseball Bush.” Traditionalists who wanted the President in State of the Union attire could go for “Elite Intelligence Fabricator--Sixteen Words Shrub.” For his days at Yale, we could do a preppy frat-boy outfit--I’m thinking khakis, sweater-vest, letter jacket, and of course replica six-pack. “Elite Keg Tapper--Big Bash Bush.”
He is from Texas, and he did dabble in the oil business. A hard hat, workboots and tool belt would look mighty snappy. Throw in a parka and you have “Elite Oil Driller--Arctic National Wildlife Refuge Bush.”
Why don’t more political figures have action figures? Start with W’s dad. “Elite Force State Dinner--Projectile Vomit President.” No, that probably gets out of hand at parties.
I’m not going to say anything about Arnold Schwarzenegger, he’s already an action figure. And I understand no Clinton figures. Too many problems with the Barbie dolls.
While we’re at it, really, how do you make an Al Gore action figure?
I also notice that toy companies did not jump on the opportunity to make an action figure of Michael Dukakis in his tank helmet. “Elite Tank Dork--Election Loser and Punchline for a Generation.”
You can’t do a Dick Cheney action figure. You’d never be able to find the damned thing to change the batteries in the miniature defibrillator.
A Gray Davis action figure would just turn off all of the lights in your house before spontaneously combusting while all of your neighbors were talking about you and giggling.
The Dan Quayle action figure would have a blank look and a “Kick Me” sign taped to its back. No real fun there.
Come to think of it, maybe you really have to be a special kind of politician to be turned into an action figure. It takes a certain plasticity, and a lack of self-consciousness sufficient to allow yourself to be posed by your handlers as an idol. W. really is a once-in-a-lifetime type of politician.
Me and my wishful thinking.
©2003 by Patrick McFadden. The illustration is from the
Blue Box Toys website.
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