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PATRICK McFADDEN |
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 Your lawyer, working for you, in the men's room! |
Some lawyers don't let up
even during nature's calls
By PATRICK McFADDEN
Special for TheColumnists.com
This is kind of a delicate subject. It involves bathrooms, so you may wish to leave right now.
If you are still here (both of you), there’s a phenomenon I’ve observed that I wish to discuss. There are certain men who are in the habit of taking reading materials--work-related reading materials--into the restroom. Not for long visits, either. Rather, to hold in one hand while they stand at a, if I may beg your indulgence, urinal. So they have something to read, you see.
I am going to refrain from immediately denouncing such behavior as silly. (I’m a great refrainer that way.)
Now, here’s what’s odd. All the men I've observed in this unique behavior--every single one--are lawyers. As we all know, lawyers get lousy press. People tend to view them as, on the whole, slippery, scurvy and generally morally suspect. Purveyors of calumny, and all that. I say, “lawyer,” and you think, “moray eel,” or possibly, “bubonic plague.” But wait!
Attorneys bill clients by the hour, usually in quarter or tenth of an hour increments. The men in question are evidently so dedicated that they do not wish to waste even one precious moment of a client’s billable increment. If these maligned barristers bill you for one-tenth of an hour, you may rest assured that you got a full six minutes of attention; not six minutes minus a minute and a half while they were heeding the call of nature.
Or doing anything else, for that matter. These are the same men who stalk the halls while reading what are no doubt vitally important, sensitive documents requiring immediate and full attention. If these earnest fellows need a cup of coffee, they are by God going to take something to read with them. They may represent a hazard to their co-workers as they stride purposefully through the halls with reading materials in one hand and a steaming mug of coffee in the other, but singed paralegals and stained secretaries are beneath the concern of these juggernauts of billing integrity. If you see someone reading something in the car next to you at a stoplight, bet on lawyer.
Now, I should note that I have also seen female lawyers reading intently as they make their way to the nearest caffeine source, or at stoplights. However, I have not, as of this writing, been willing to boldly go where no man has gone before for the sake of further research. Therefore, I cannot comment as to the full extent of the dedication exhibited by the fairer sex of attorneys.
I can, however, say with a certain degree of confidence that the Ken Lays and Bernie Ebberses of the world are not the type of men who read in the bathroom. No, while interrupting their headfirst plunge into corporate skullduggery to relieve themselves, I'm sure their hands remain unburdened by balance sheets or Accounting 101 handbooks. They probably stare off into space, or whistle, or do something similarly unproductive. Wasted time!
Arthur Andersen accountants? Did those practitioners of accounting jujitsu give a thought to the concerns of shareholders while they were indisposed? (The accountants, not the shareholders.) I think not.
We have reached a fine state of affairs when the captains of American industry could glean ethics lessons from the restroom habits of lawyers. Go figure.
© 2002 by Patrick McFadden. The illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
Patrick McFadden is a law
student in Washington, D.C. He is the son of our columnist Chuck
McFadden.
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