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Patrick McFadden |
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Pennies From Heaven (it's a symbol for America!) |
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They call it CoinStar:
A concept for our times!
By PATRICK McFADDEN
of TheColumnists.com
Have you ever heard of CoinStar? Well, it’s only the greatest metaphor for American society ever developed.
Let me explain. If you’re anything like me, somewhere in your house you have a jar or a tin or other similar container into which you empty your change at the end of the day. Again, if you are anything like me, you never do anything with that change. It just sits there, gradually filling up your chosen vessel. You notice the level rising, but you do nothing.
It’s sort of like global warming that way. I digress.
At any rate, the trickle of coins into your jar continues unabated. Perhaps at some point, if you are as much a procrastinator as certain unnamed writers, you actually switch to a larger receptacle. This is what’s known as a “band-aid solution.”
Eventually your vat of coins takes on a life of its own. It becomes furniture. It gathers dust. It sits, silent, brooding, swollen with metal, on a desk or table or shelf, and you steadfastly ignore it. Have you tried lifting the jar lately? You should, it’s an eye-opener.
Usually, the situation comes to a head when you move. What, you ask yourself, do I do with all of these bloody coins?
Now, the more morally upright of you dutifully roll your coins and deposit them at the bank. Some of you may even do this at regular intervals without prompting by an impending shift of locations. Bully for you. You probably floss twice a day, too.
Not me. I sling the coins into a plastic bag, move them to the new place, and try to forget about them. And so the coins sit, eternal.
No longer! One recent Saturday my wife brightly mentioned to me that on our way out to visit the family we should stop at a regional grocery store and use the...CoinStar.
“CoinStar?” I replied, curious.
“Yes. It’s a machine that counts your coins for you and gives you money for them.”
I believe I actually yelped at this point. Now, maybe I’ve been living under a rock for a few years, but I was thunderstruck. Here it was, right in front of me. The solution to my growing numismatics nightmare.
“You, mean, you put your coins into this contraption, and you get real money from it?”
“Yes,” my wife replied patiently. I think I may have heard something about “nitwit” there as well, but I was too astonished to pay full attention.
I gathered my sack of doubloons, which was a staggering load. Picturing the two of us staring numbly at ripping plastic while a bronze Niagara of coins spilled gleefully out onto the parking lot, I shifted the lot to a sturdy tote bag, gamely ignoring the pang in my shoulder. Elizabeth added her, more modest, jar of coins. We marched eagerly off to CoinStar, myself trying to skip while lugging several pounds worth of carefully pressed metals.
The magnificent CoinStar itself is a large green device. Looks just like a vending machine. You dump your coins into it, bushel by bushel.
If you have a LOT of coins (and no one goes to the CoinStar with a mere handful) the machine politely tells you, “My, you have a lot of coins! Please wait a moment while we catch up!” It must have flashed this message to us a dozen times. And it keeps a running tally of your coin deposits by denomination. When you are finished, it prints out a receipt that you take to a friendly store cashier who gives you the money, in bills. I understand if you need a moment to collect yourselves, here.
My, I had a lot of coins!
I traded in 3,526 pennies. 3,526. I may never forget that number. I never thought I would have 3,526 of anything, but that’s how many pennies I had accumulated over the last several years. With various other quarters, dimes, nickels, and the odd Sacagawea, my total came out to $79.26.
I went to the store with an armful of what I had essentially been treating as junk, and I walked out with almost 80 bucks! It felt like free money!
A few thoughts.
First, it wasn’t entirely “free.” CoinStar charges you the low, low price of “8.9 cents per dollar” for this service. Now, that has to be the greatest piece of language in marketing history. They don’t say 8.9%, which sounds kind of significant; they say “8.9 cents per dollar.” Cents? Who cares about cents?! Isn’t that the point?! If I cared about pennies before would I be standing at this machine with over 19 pounds of copper-plated zinc? Go ahead, charge your paltry fee!
The genius of the American marketing machine is inspiring. Now you know why everyone in the world eats burgers and drinks Coke at McDonald’s while wearing Nikes and listening to Eminem.
Second, this is capitalism at work, baby. Demonstrating the cunning of the American entrepreneur, CoinStar has stepped into the market to meet a desperate need of slothful layabouts like me, who can’t be bothered to take the time to roll their own coins. Meanwhile, they collect 8.9%. Sorry, 8.9 cents per dollar. Invisible hand and all that good stuff. That’s why this is the greatest country in the world. Kneel, commies, and worship at the throne of Adam Smith.
Third, this borders on disturbing. Ours is a nation of such plenty that people like me are willing to pay someone to give me money, which I already had, but in a more useful form. I veer from, “Is this a great country, or what?!” to “Oh my God, no wonder some people hate us!” on this one. In how many other parts of the world can people afford to let money sit around gathering moss because they don’t like the form the money takes? Coins are a pain, so I don’t bother using them. Paper is real money. Paper and plastic only for me, please, in the land of milk and honey.
So there you have it. Entrepreneurial spirit meets overabundance of wealth meets slick marketing. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you CoinStar, the ultimate metaphor for America. I love it.
© 2002 by Patrick
McFadden. The cartoon illustrations are from IMSI's Master Clips
Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506,
USA.
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