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No Longer Counts |
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France isn't relevant
when it comes to war
of TheColumnists.com
Certainly, the French have much to commend them. Foie gras, for example. And a lovely little language. Not to mention an astonishing array of delicious cheeses. And their abilities with fermented grape juice are renowned and uncanny.
Nevertheless, when it comes to military thinking of operational, tactical, or strategic significance, one does well to leave the French out of the discussion. Simply pat them gently on the head and send them into the next room while Mom and Dad talk.
Unless, of course, you want your war planning done for you by the architects of the Maginot Line.
“Zut alors! They went around.”
“Merde. To whom do we surrender?”
In fact, I am prepared to accept French condemnation of any strategic decision as a ringing endorsement of that plan.
“I don’t know. This whole pre-emptive war doctrine seems a little shaky to me. I’m not sure it’s legal, ethical, or in our long-term interests.”
“Well, the French certainly are opposed to it.”
“Touche. When do we start the bombing?”
The French military couldn’t find the floor with no legs and gravity. I merely point these things out.
More to the point, however, France simply isn’t a serious player in international relations anymore. I know, I have just put a thousand pieces of lingerie in a twist, but there it is. And the French, in a rare display of backbone, resolutely refuse to accept this.
My issue with France is not that it disagrees with the United States, per se; it’s the delight France takes in making itself relevant at our expense.
The French suggestion that Iraq pass legislation banning the production of weapons of mass destruction is so patently intellectually bankrupt and so lacking in any kind of seriousness that it’s difficult to resist coming to the conclusion that France is simply enjoying the opportunity to stick a thumb in our eye in front of the world, and then throw in a swift kick to the shins for good measure.
“Nyah, nyah, monsieur,” they are saying. “We have you by ze short hairs now, meester beeg Texas cowboy. Ha ha!”
I know I ought to do the upright, manly, honorable thing and simply let these slights run off of me like water from the back of a duck a l’orange. French ire is rather like an angry Pekinese yapping ferociously while trying to reach your ankle to nip it. But I can’t help myself. They’ve sashayed onto the world stage and are now screaming, “Look at me everyone,” in the way they trumpet the non-sequiturs of Herr Blix and the Blixettes at the expense of Colin Powell.
The result of this French grandstanding for grandstanding’s sake will be to diminish the authority of the United Nations and NATO, by making less likely the future participation in those two bodies of the only nation whose power has a truly global reach.
So, I think it’s understandable that kick-the-Frenchman hyperbole has become de rigueur as of late. The current French beret-wringing harangue will make the world a less stable place, with less credible international institutions, and a sole superpower more likely to view unilateral action as its first and only course. All that so that France can soothe its tortured ego with fallacies of global relevance.
Besides, it’s so much
fun to take a good poke back at the French. It has a certain
je ne sais quoi, don’t you know. Does so much for
my joie de vivre.
©2003 by Patrick McFadden. The illustration is from IMSI's
Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael,
CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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