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 "Tess, dear, will you please stop that mumbling?" |
She says he's going deaf;
He's sure she mumbles
of TheColumnists.com
Does your spouse (or significant other) mumble? The
question requires some thought. And a follow-up question.
Namely: Is “What?” the most frequent word in your vocabulary?
If so, you fit into one of three categories.
1. You need a hearing aid.
2. Your spouse mumbles.
3. You’re somewhat hard of hearing. You can probably get
by without a hearing aid--and your spouse mumbles.
I’m a Category 3 qualifier.
This was confirmed by our family doctor. I have no trouble hearing
him, and he has no trouble hearing me. “You could probably
use a hearing aid,” he says. But he also agrees the device
could wind up being more of a nuisance than benefit.
My wife Tess isn’t happy with his answer. She nags me relentlessly
to get a hearing aid. I have thus far effectively resisted. As
anyone but Tess would agree, she’s a confirmed mumbler.
“No way!” she insists. “You’re the one with
the problem.”
So, here’s the situation. I’ll leave it to you to decide.
This perpetual debate about mumbling can be a teeth clencher.
Especially in the morning. At this time, still fuzzed from sleep,
the “Whats?” around our apartment fly thicker than
moths around a light bulb.
Location complicates the problem. Take just the other day. We’re
chatting in the bedroom and there’s a break in the dialogue.
I move two rooms away. Unlike Tess’s articulation, her eyesight
is perfect. She is visually aware that I am no longer in her
presence, but keeps talking at the same pitch as if I were still
standing right next to her.
You don’t know the half of it. Last evening I took out the
garbage and was gone four minutes. When I returned she was still
grinding out mumbles.
Sometimes exasperation takes over and I ignore the vocal emanations
from another room, or, on occasion, close by. I concede that’s
a mistake. It enhances neither the peace process nor my popularity.
I’m no maven on the female psyche. But I learned the hard
way that if there’s one sin worse than disagreeing with
a woman, it’s ignoring her. Still Tess’s mumbling drives
me up the proverbial wall.
Worst of all is while driving. We’re on State Road 7 with
the radio playing. Tess wants my opinion of a gray car passing
by. It is one of our things. We exchange car critiques, color,
style, etc.
“I don’t like it,” I reply. “Too drab.”
She gives me a funny look and turns off the radio. The gray car
long gone, she repeats what she said. Radio or not, even people
with perfect hearing find it hard to talk in traffic. Tess resolutely
ignores this reality.
“There, you passed it,” she accuses.
It wasn’t the gray car at all; she wanted me to stop at
the K-Mart.
Another time she hit me with, “Ihyookeyie ain.”
“Your eye hurts? You may be getting a headache.”
“I-said-it-looks-like-rain. Ray, you have to do something
about your hearing. At least get yourself tested.”
I sigh and give in. Tess could wear down the best of them. “Okay,
I’ll get myself tested.”
“You will?” Her amazement is genuine.
“Yeah. We’ll see once and for all if I’m deaf
or you mumble.”
We go to a recommended
audiologist. Machines, instruments, charts, the works.
I listen to Tess speak from 10, 20, and 30 feet while the expert
makes notes. (All of a sudden she speaks almost distinctly.)
I am instructed to enter a sound booth. A succession of words
is fired at me at varying pitches. The verdict at the end is
that I am marginally hard of hearing, normal at some pitches,
below normal at others.
“Bless you, Doctor,” I say. “My wife mumbles,
doesn’t she?”
He directs a discreet cough at his palm. “I wouldn’t
say that. But she does have a rather soft voice. . ."
Do I need a hearing aid, or not? I end up deciding to think about
it.
So what did all this accomplish? Nada. I still insist my wife
mumbles. She’s still after me to get a hearing aid. And
she calls me stubborn.
The debate rages on. I’d like your opinion.
“Huh? . . . What was that?”
©2004 by Ray Dreyfack. The illustration is from IMSI's Master
Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506,
USA.
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