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 Colin Fox is helped across a field by Kirk Cameron as warplanes attack Israel |
(Creature Features) Stanley Left Behind by 'Left Behind' |
'Left Behind: The Movie' rides tide
of a publishing phenomenon
By
JOHN STANLEY
of TheColumnists.com
As I sit behind my computer typing these words, I have shifted all my weight to my left behind. That's because I'm about to write about a movie called "Left Behind."
It isn't going to be easy, for when I saw the picture the other day, I was definitely left behind.
That's because the whole thing is ass-backwards. But I'm still not going to start with my end. I'm going to start with my beginning. It's a bizarre tale, if you will excuse the expression, for it involves what I thought was a space-time continuum distortion into which I had been sucked.
It started last December when I was Christmas shopping at my local Costco outlet. There on the VHS and DVD tables at sellthrough prices were releases of a new motion picture I had never heard of before: "Left Behind." I wasn't curious enough to buy either the videotape or the disc, but I was curious enough to read the back of the DVD package, which informed me that a jetliner flight is suddenly disrupted when several passengers disappear from the passenger cabin into thin air.
Back home, the plane's captain (Brad Johnson) discovers that it's Rapture time: millions have disappeared from the face of the earth, including his wife, and those who have been "left behind" (get it now?) must face the wrath of the Antichrist--a seven-year-long evil assault on mankind of cosmic proportions.
Those left behind are the atheists and the heathens and the disbelievers, and, boy, are they gonna pay for not going to church once a week. Sounded to me like someone was mixing up "The Omen" with "Armageddon" and throwing in "The Vanishing" to boot. A curious olio, for sure.
That's all I found out about "Left Behind" until early January, when Walter Von Hauffe, a good friend, called me up, excitedly telling me he was doing the publicity and advance screenings for a new film being released. I fell back in my chair when my friend told me "Left Behind" was a major new feature opening at the end of January or early February.
That couldn't be, I blurted mindlessly into the phone. My first thought, as my mouth fell open and Walter hung suspended on the other end of the line, was that I had slipped into a time-warp that day in Costco last December. Somehow I had timeslid unnoticed into the future, long after the movie had had its theatrical play, and was living the moment when the DVD and VHS versions had just been unleashed on the world. Probably this coming March or April or May. Maybe I had journeyed as far ahead of myself as June. Yes, that was it, I had been timeflipped into the future, sucked away into an anomalous timeslip-torrent.
It had to be so. For was that not the way of all Hollywood movies? Theatrical release first, home video and DVD versions later? Never had a film been released first as a DVD then booked into theaters. No self-respecting, money-wise producer would commit such a cardinal sin of Hollywood.
Without knowing it, I told myself with amazement, I had lived out H.G. Wells' "The Time Machine." I had become as trapped as the characters in "Back to the Future," "Somewhere in Time" or "Waxwork II: Lost in Time" with traces of "Terminator" and "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" tinging the edges of my unbelievable experience. Finally, after years of mundanity, I was living a sci-fi adventure.
I was still in a daze as I told my bewildering theory to Walter, who then broke into a raucous laugh. "John, relax," he said, "you did see the DVD in a store last month. That's because it was released last fall and sold more than 2 million copies."
I let out a giant sigh of relief, but inside I felt nothing but pangs of disappointment. I had not time-traveled after all. It had been a normal shopping trip of no particular consequence. Once again, I was a commonplace human, living a commonplace almost humdrum existence.
With this letdown taking all the wind from my imaginative time-traveling sails, I focused now on Walter's good fortune, congratulating him on getting his assignment.
Walter? Yeah, I gotta tell you about Walter. He's a real pro when it comes to marketing movies and pulling off publicity blitzes. For many years he worked for United Artists Theaters in San Francisco before spending a whole year as the head publicist for the James Bond adventure "Moonraker." In demand in Hollywood for the superior job he had done for the Bond producers, Von Hauffe joined ranks with Steven Spielberg to publicize "1941" and then helped Neil Diamond open "The Jazz Singer."
It was in 1980 when he returned to San Francisco, discouraged with the way Hollywood did things, to resume working at what he enjoyed most--publicizing new movies. For many years after his return, he handled movie openings in San Francisco for major advertising agencies. He had retired in recent years and now was handling special assignments or one-shot openings, such as "Left Behind."
"John," he continued,
"this is a great success story even before the movie has
opened. The novel 'Left Behind' has sold five million copies,
and there have been seven sequels to the original. And, when
the video and DVD were released last fall, they beat out 'Toy
Story 2' and 'The Green Mile' in sales. The DVD, in fact, ranked
#6 that month."
Walter went on with more success story stuff, about sequels that
were selling millions of copies, but I was beginning to get the
idea. Somebody had already made big bucks from this idea, and
it hadn't stopped yet.
"Left Behind: The Movie," as it is officially called, is what the business calls a "sleeper." It comes out of nowhere to make an impact. It's been the Christian community that has mainly bought up the book series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, who have somehow turned out seven sequels in quick succession: "Tribulation Force," "Nicolae: The Rise of Antichrist," "Soul Harvest: The World Takes Sides," "Apollyon: The Destroyer Is Unleashed," "Assassins: Assignment--Jerusalem, Target--Antichrist," "The Indwellling: The Beast Takes Possession," "The Mark: The Beast Rules the World."
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Then there have been millions of videos and DVDs sold in the past year, due to the story's strong appeal to the religious fringe with its depiction of events that might be leading to the end of the world, or the Second Coming.
Christianity is decidedly the hero of this fantasy adventure, and it's obviously what a lot of Americans want to read about or see in a chaotic society that can't even elect a President without shaking the foundations of its political system.
I was concerned that promoting a heavily religious film might be difficult in the San Francisco Area, and I kept in close touch with Walter, offering to review the film when the time came.
So the other afternoon I went down to the Variety Club Screening Room in San Francisco to see "Left Behind: The Movie." Despite the film's popularity in fundamentalist states across America and its money-making track record as book, VHS and DVD, it was obviously having little if any impact on San Francisco movie critics.
I wouldn't go so far as to call these ink-stained commentators a Godless lot, but they were sure keeping their distance. And I was betting that they weren't showing up because they had to get to church for an evening service, or were running down to volunteer their services for some neighborhood church group.
Only four signed in with Walter to see the picture in advance of its opening. Mostly dot columnist types like myself. Not one representative of a big-city daily or weekly. Walter, always the consummate professional, shrugged, chalked it up to the way the clouds were hanging over the city that day, and told the friendly projectionist David to "roll 'em, big fella."
When I look at movies I try to forget all the hype I've heard or read and enjoy them for what they say to me. I found "Left Behind" almost completely derivative of movies I'd seen before. It was saying themes to me that were all old hat. That old adage, there's nothing new under the sun, has been proven all over again. Just give it new window dressing, and the public will buy it up like . . . well, like the Second Coming.
There is a major conspiracy plot going on behind the scenes--some high-rolling bankers plan to buy up a new formula for growing food crops in desert soil and control the world's food and ultimately its economy--and all that sneaky, shadowy stuff reminded me of Fox Mulder having meetings with scientists and quack doctors in back alleys in "The X-Files." It also reminded me of "Conspiracy Theory" and a recent spate of flicks about an individual or corporation plotting to wrest control from, and manipulate, others: "Antitrust" and Arnie Schwarzenegger's "The Sixth Day."
Then we've got the intervention of God in the affairs of men, specifically an event that opens the picture. A massive fleet of fighter planes and bombers is seen crossing over the Iraqi border, headed for Israel. A short time later, as the flotilla unleashes death on the Jewish population below, where CNN-style newsman Kirk Cameron is doing an on-camera report, the planes are suddenly attacked by an unseen force. One by one, the warships drop out of the sky in flames. It is the hand of God, fulfilling a Biblical prophecy, or so we are told by a weird guy in a robe who confronts Cameron amidst all the fiery holocaust to warn him of seven years of hardships. He looks like Moses or an apostle, although this is never explained. Call him the original messenger boy.
Instantly into my mind flashed the unforgettable 1952 "Red Planet Mars," a movie about how the world receives a message (from God?) urging everyone to behave like Christians and bring about world peace and harmony. So the good citizens of the Soviet Union rise up in protest to overthrow Joe Stalin and his cronies. Turns out the message might have come from a one-time Nazi or God. It's left up in the air. Once you see "Red Planet Mars" with Peter Graves receiving the message from space with his "hydrogen valve" receiver, you never forget it. I also was reminded of "The Next Voice You Hear," a 1949 MGM movie in which everyone listening to radio hears a spiritual message, though each listener hears it in a different voice.
Then we've got all those folks disappearing. Remember "The Rapture," the 1992 Mimi Rogers film? How about Arch Oboler's "Five" (1951) or "The World, the Flesh and the Devil" (1956) and all those other movies about a handful of survivors left behind to jumpstart the world? It's all about man's neverending search for God, his belief in the hereafter and his belief in there being a Salvation waiting at the end of the rainbow, couched in science-fiction and apocalyptic visions. Action-packed sugar coating to hold our interest, in case the Scriptures aren't enough.
And that sequence aboard the jetliner? I was reminded of a hundred disaster movies where something goes wrong and it's up to a gallant captain and stewardess to keep the passengers under control--movies like "The High and the Mighty" and "Airport." Or how about that episode of "The Twilight Zone" where a modern jetliner flies into a prehistoric world? A whole lotta imitating going on, here.
Then we've got the Antichrist, as we had the Antichrist in "The Omen" and its three sequels, "Damien: Omen 2," "The Final Conflict" and "Omen IV: The Awakening." And all those predictions from the Book of Revelation, which heralds the coming of the Antichrist and Armageddon. In those movies Damien was the son of a U.S. Ambassador assigned to England, so he was able to climb into high places to pull off his apocalyptic shenanigans. In this thriller, the Antichrist (Gordon Currie) is Nicolae Carpathia, the smooth-talking head of the United Nations who can mesmerize people into believing whatever he wants them to believe and can shoot people without anyone being the wiser. (But isn't that what any self-respecting demon would try to do?)
Then there's the flashy, young news reporter played by Kirk Cameron, the former juvenile player from TV's "Growing Pains" sitcom, who somehow is always wise to the conspiracy and the phony baloney going on. He's patterned after a thousand similar movie heroes who have gallantly stood alone against the forces of evil. Ducking the bullets of hired assassins because he's the guy who knows too much. All cliches or movie stereotypes, the stuff of which cinema fodder is made, over and over again.
And that's how the movie "Left Behind" ends. Four humans squaring off against the Antichrist. Four humans known as "The Tribulation Force." And everything left dangling. What will Nicolae's next nefarious move be? Will he build the Temple of Solomon, as planned? Will the Jewish scientist Chaim Rosenzweig (Colin Fox) ever get wise to how his miracle food growth formula (aka The Eden Plan) is being misused? And will Chelsea Nobel as Hattie Durham use her United Nations power and sexual charms to seduce Cameron? (She's married to him in real life, so what's the harm?)
And say, what about Clarence Gilyard, who portrays a fallen pastor seeking to redeem himself and is one of the four devil-fighters. Might I suggest that in future episodes he resort to that which he does best--kick ass, just as he kicks ass on Saturday nights on "Walker, Texas Ranger." You can't bring a guy like Gilyard into any kind of movie without him carrying that Texas Ranger martial-arts baggage.
It's the old cliffhanger serial, as old as Pearl White, and it lives in "Left Behind."
Which brings me to my main criticism of "Left Behind: The Movie." It plays more like a two-hour pilot for a TV series than it does a movie. All the broader plot points are left unresolved. It's set up just like a pilot sets up a TV series.
So how come this wasn't a TV show to begin with? To me, that would have made sense. Something for the Fox Network as a lead-in to "The X-Files." To its benefit, "Left Behind" is never too preachy or unbearable to watch as it delivers its godly messages, but it still doesn't make sense to me to make this a theatrical movie, with everything unresolved. Maybe the producer up in Toronto, Peter Lalonde, who runs a company called Cloud Ten, is planning to make this the first in a movie series.
If not, then it's like I said at the beginning: "Left Behind" is all ass-backwards. And that's why I got left behind. And why I had to start this at the beginning, and not the end.
And so that's why I'm still sitting at my computer, trying to make sense of all this for you.
I just hope, in trying
to tell you the story, you were right behind me all the way.
©
2001 by John Stanley. The photo from "The Omen" is
© 1976 by Twentieth Century Fox.
You can contact John Stanley with an email to: talkback@thecolumnists.com
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