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  "Risa, my child, this is The Great God TIVO speaking to you from your TV set. Do not try to adjust the picture. I am now in control of your TV experience. I have chosen a special menu of programs for your viewing pleasure tonight. You MUST watch these. Do not get up to get something to eat, to attend to your husband's needs, not even to pee. You MUST watch these programs. First, we start with THE DUKES OF HAZZARD. Then we will see the LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE REUNION SPECIAL. After that it's....." |
O Tivo, Why Hast
Thou Forsaken Me?
By RISA WILLIAMS
of TheColumnists.com
Tivo is a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde entity that exists inside
a little black box with a sticker on the front of a dancing television
with arms and feet and antennae. Tivo first appeared in my life
this past Christmas and seemed to be from Heaven--a mini-computer
of a VCR that allows you to record shows while you are watching
them, fast-forward through commercials, and tape 40 hours of
whatever the hell crap you want to watch.
How happy was that first month spent with my Tivo! Never having to see another insipid car commercial featuring white yuppies in business suits swerving down empty bridges in their BMWs again! Oh, how merrily the days passed in television paradise and how my body began to waste away for lack of nutrients and sleep...
Then, in one single blip of light, Evil-o had committed suicide, just when my addiction had climaxed.
I quickly phoned customer service which, of course, is not open at all, ever, and waited on hold until a young man who calls himself "Brad" answered the phone.
"Brad" was immensely cheerful...at first. He suggested that Evil-o was not plugged in properly. I assured him that my years of technical support work had made me an expert in "sticking the plug into the wall correctly." Brad was unsure of my expertise. He suggested I go out and buy a new power cord and see if this fixed the problem. Reluctantly, I hung up, knowing I had been duped by the old, "get them the hell off the phone as fast as you can!" technical support gag.
Hence, new power cord, plugged into the right socket, still not working, waited on hold for another hour. Who should pick up but "BRAD"! He laughed, "How did you get me AGAIN?" he said, trying to be cheerful. I explained about the new cord. Brad went through the whole song and dance about the proper way to plug it in. Then he tested my vision by asking if I saw a green light. No green light. Maybe this is because my Evil-o is dead, Brad. DEAD. Brad, on the brink of asking me if my eyes were even capable of seeing the color green, wisely chose to transfer me to his manager.
Anyhow, to make a long story short, after having Evil-o for only a month, I then had to spend 40 dollars to ship it back to Tivo so they could send me another one. And did I mention how after waiting on hold for another hour with Tivo to tell them I shipped it back, I had to speak to "BRAD" yet again?
I am convinced Brad has cloned himself and made it impossible to talk to anyone else. There are people answering the phone there who are not Brad, who go by the alias Brad, who have the same annoying cheerfulness and who are all convinced that I do not know what the color green is and that I spent most of my life in an apartment full of appliances that are not plugged into the wall.
Despite all this heartbreak, I still feel fondly about Tivo and miss it. I have composed poems about Tivo changing my life. I have painted portraits of the long deceased Tivo. I have also compiled a list for future Tivo purchasers of the reasons why Tivo is both Evil-o and the Television of the Gods.
1) A fun feature of Tivo is the Ebert inspired Thumbs Up/Down rating system where the user can either give thumbs up or thumbs down to programs they like or despise. Unless you are a big fan of shows like QVC's Porcelain Doll Mania, you will probably find yourself maniacally hitting the thumbs down button. In fact, you would just feel better if Tivo would let you give certain shows 2,000 thumbs down instead of the maximum of 3. (Note to Tivo Developers: Please allow a 2,000 Thumbs Down Mode. Even if it means that I fill up my entire television screen with thumbs down icons. Please. I need it to live. It gives me such joy to cover Star Jones with Thumbs Down icons.)
2) Tivo has a feature called
"TIVO SUGGESTIONS!" that picks programs for you to
watch and record based on some bizarre form of Tivo logic that
makes no sense to humans. Some of Tivo’s choices are understandable-
for instance, if you frequently watch Cary Grant movies, Tivo
will suggest you watch...a Cary Grant movie. This is all well
and good if it worked like this. But if one were to look at my
Tivo's suggestions, they would get the impression that I was:
* A Nazi. Tivo seems to think that I'd like to watch every documentary
ever created on Adolf Hitler. Don't ask me why. I have no intention
of becoming a Nazi.
* A fanatic "Full House" enthusiast. For the love of
God, this may be as bad as liking Hitler in my humble opinion.
* A lover of Grizzly Bear antics.
* Interested in shows that involve textiles, Jesus, and cooking.
If a show involved cooking textiles for Jesus, my Tivo might
as well explode. Maybe this is how Tivo finally broke.
3) Tivo makes phone calls in the middle of the night via your phone line to get up to date information on program schedules from some Tivo headquarters and it's all very high tech and complicated to me. All I know I when I read that in the manual, the first thing that popped into my mind was, "Wouldn't it be hysterical if Tivo headquarters are in Tokyo?" This would be great, say, if I were actually having some sort of sordid overseas affair like with someone in Antarctica, and I could just say, "But, honey, you don't understand! It was the VCR! The VCR made all those phone calls to Antarctica at 3 am! Honest!"
4) Tivo is a marketing whore. In addition to suggesting all sorts of nonsense about me being a Jesus textile freak, Tivo also insists on recording Tivo favorites for me. Like Christina Aguilera specials sponsored by Pepsi. And anything with Doritos/Staples Center/Walt Disney Cruise in the title. Face it, Tivo, you are a corporate whore who will probably start using my phone line to order out for Domino's Pizza soon and use my car to drive to Starbucks on your lunch breaks.
All in all, the best part about Tivo is the fact that when you do plunk down in front of the television, you are greeted by a huge list of programs that you've chosen to record that you can watch, or skim using the beautiful fast forward button. No more luxury car commercials! No more sitting through boring celebrity interviews after Jon Stewart has run out of jokes! You are free! Well, kind of! Actually, you are only free from Tivo's grasp when it breaks, like mine did, and you suddenly remember to get up and pee.
But knowing that, proceed at your own risk. And get me my damn Tivo back, Evil-o manufacturers, I'm starting to get the shakes.
©2005 by Risa Williams. The drawings are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd. E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA.
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