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What are these signs
trying to tell us anyway?
By RISA WILLIAMS
of TheColumnists.com
I had a discussion the other day with a group of friends
about our favorite warning and road signs.
Someone suggested his was “BABY GETTING DECAPITATED BY CAR AIR BAG.” Another friend recommended the viewing of “CHILD GETTING EATEN ALIVE BY ESCALATOR.”
Although both works are clearly modernist classics, I would like to suggest that my favorite warning sign is a much better work of art. It is the one that is found on Fresh Step Kitty Litter. You'll be able to spot it on the side of the plastic tin beneath the handle.
It's called, simply: BABY THAT HAS FALLEN HEAD-FIRST INTO KITTY LITTER.
This isn't one of those complicated riddled signs like the one of a MAN GETTING HIS HEAD WHACKED OFF BY A PARKING BARRIER. In this classic, we see a young baby with its head immersed in a box of kitty litter. His feet wiggle behind him as if to signify his eternal struggle to free himself from the litter carton. It also serves as a warning that instructs you to avoid washing your child's hair with kitty litter as so commonly practiced in foreign countries. It's merely warning parents that playing “Dunk the Infant!” in a box of kitty litter is just in plain bad taste, not to mention slightly unhygienic.
Other classic warning signs
include: STICK FAMILY
CROSSING FREEWAY.
This sign leaves a lot open for interpretation. First we see
a woman--at least we believe she is a woman because she wears
a dress. Note: It could also be a petite man wearing a poncho.
For that matter, it could also be a sexless person wearing a
raincoat. Behind her, with his arm dangerously close to hers,
is a tall man holding her purse. Wait a minute, that tall guy's
got the poncho lady's purse! Obviously, this sign is trying to
tell us that if we cross this particular freeway, we will get
our purses stolen by a large faceless man with no feet. Please,
please, take the detour instead.
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 GO WITH NICE MAN AND GET A BICYCLE |
 PEOPLE WITHOUT FEET SHOULD AVOID STAIRS |
The next sign is of a MAN'S TORSO IN A CAR WITH ZIG-ZAGGY LINES BENEATH HIS CAR. Either he needs to get his tire alignment checked or this man is clearly driving under the influence. Since there is no RED X CIRCLE through the man, this sign is plainly telling us to get loaded before driving down this road at the first available bar. In fact, driving while NOT under the influence would be ticket-worthy on this street!
Then we have, MAN WITH NO FEET SHOVELING A LOAD OF DIRT. Ah, in this orange and black classic work of art, we see the struggle of the common man, a man whose feet have been amputated and whose circle head floats a few inches off his shoulders, perhaps to say his head is in the clouds while his feet remained chopped off in the earth. And meanwhile, he shovels shit. Brilliance.
And now, into the world of abstract art we drive, as we see A BROWN SIGN WITH A WHITE QUESTION MARK ON IT. This sign clearly asks us, "WHY?" An age-old question that deserves asking. State law requires that you pull your car to the side of the road, step outside, rub your chin, and ask yourself, "WHY?" over and over again until you get a headache. Then, feel free to carry on.
A TORSO OF A MAN WITH ONE ARM RAISED IS SLICED IN HALF BY A HORIZONTAL WAVY LINE. A portrait of human agony. Here a man with only a head and an arm curled under is chopped up by horizontal wavy line--perhaps to symbolize that he is not truly a man any more after such torture, but is only half a man with half an arm.
A MAN STANDS UNDER WATER THAT IS SPRAYING UPON HIM WITH HANDS RAISED OVER HIS HEAD. This sign is letting you know that singing and dancing in the public showers is strictly prohibited.
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WHEN FRAGMENTS OF COCKROACHES FALLING FROM OVERHEAD FAN |
A CIRCLE, NEXT TO A CARTON OF MILK, NEXT TO AN APPLE INSIDE A PIECE OF BREAD: I have no idea what this sign is trying to tell us. Perhaps it is illustrating the process of making apple bread. First you have an apple, then you add milk, then you are left with apple-bread. Of course, there wasn't enough room on the sign for yeast and eggs. Which is why road sign recipes are really bad ideas.
A CAR IS DRIVING ON WATER: Although this sign is telling us that is okay to drive on water, it is probably not advisable to do so…unless you are Jesus Christ. If you are Jesus Christ, walking on water is also appropriate.
A PLATE WITH A FORK AND KNIFE ON IT: This sign is illustrating that in this county that you are currently driving through, it is proper social etiquette to place the knife and fork on top of the plate as opposed to on the side of the plate like in most civilized parts of the universe.
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 SIGN FOUND ON DOOR OF RESTROOM AT BARNEY'S BEANERY |
 IN MADONNA'S UNDERWEAR |
A sign that reads: RUNAWAY TRUCK RAMP. A runaway truck ramp is a ramp that houses runaway trucks who are fleeing their home life that is most likely abusive. Runaway trucks can seek the shelter of this ramp until they get back on their feet again, get jobs, and become respectable parts of the truck community once again.
STICK MAN GETTING DECAPITATED BY A PARKING BARRIER: At first, one might think that the illustration is telling us not to ram our heads into descending parking barriers like idiots. But take another look and we see that the barrier is a metaphor for justice descending upon a man with the almighty weight of a parking barrier. Perhaps, the artist is trying to convey that, in the end, a parking barrier will decapitate each and every one of us.
And that brings us to the
conclusion of this week’s lesson in how to interpret everyday
signs. Remember, drive safely, don’t wash your child in
kitty litter, and if you are wearing a large poncho, be mindful
of your purse when crossing a busy freeway.
©2005
by Risa Williams. The drawings are from IMSI's Master Clips Collection, 1895 Francisco Blvd.
E., San Rafael, CA, 94901-5506, USA. This column first posted
April 11, 2005.
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can comment on this column online. Please address your message
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