The GUILTY PLEASURES Collection
Originally Published March 3, 2002
MY GUILTY PLEASURE
Judge Me Not! I'm A Fan!
Judge Judy on TV
After Liberal Makeup
Judge Judy As
Defendants See Her
While a prisoner of the flu,
Judge Judy took her over
By AUDREY YEAGER
During a recent bout with the flu I was laid up long enough to watch a few judge shows. Call me old-fashioned, but most of them I found entertaining. If the need arose I wouldnt mind appearing in front of the majority of these black-gowned authority figures--with one exception.
There is a 50-50 chance I would like Judge Judy if we met socially. Shes probably a great gal, but, in spite of the slight show of softness in the white lace collar she wears, this womans bark loosens your kneecaps--and her bite takes a chunk you would rather not lose.
There should be a sign over the entrance to her Judgeships domain reading, The parties of the first, second and third parts will find a load of big trouble herein. Because, even if you are the so-called "winner," she will rake you, your family, and your dog over the coals until there is nothing left but a pile of ashes. One puff and away you go.
I wouldnt count the onlookers as safe either. Judy might take it into her head to send the whole audience to bed without their supper if there is a snicker out of place.
These TV shows do not involve dangerous criminals, although at least half of the litigants would disagree vehemently with that statement. The great majority are about domestic problems. So, we are not going to see anyone up for murder in this ladys courtroom, and those so accused should be grateful for small favors. For, if it were up to the Judge, there is every possibility a path would be worn between the court and a guillotine set up just outside the door.
But Im too harsh. After all, the woman is not there to dish up chicken soup. Justice is the thing, and she serves it up thick with caustic barbs and sneers that can destroy you where you stand.
As she so often reminds us, they dont keep her around because shes gorgeous--and we had an inkling of that fact as we rolled off the turnip truck--they do it cause shes, smarter than the average bear.
As much as 90 per cent of the judges cases are between two people who once had a live-in relationship. Now they hate one another with the same snarling passion we see in Sumo wrestlers. One half of the pair thinks the other guy ripped him off. The accused doesnt feel he did near enough ripping. Under the delicate questioning of Judy, the couple constantly jockeys for an opportunity to reveal what monsters their opponents are. Their dearest, deepest longing is to see the once beloved begging for mercy. Poor souls. Before the session is over both will feel as if they have wandered into a cement mixer with a voice.
But Judge Judy will take care of the whole mess. She first makes it stridently clear that the intelligence of the combatants is on a par with earthworms, giving the distinct impression that anyone silly enough to show up in her court is dumb to the bone. After a lengthy interrogation, her first choice for pre-sentencing--if body language means anything--is for both parties to be put in public stocks for 90 days, until she comes up with something really awful.
The few hundred dollars at stake hardly seems worth the humiliation of appearing before this lady. Ive seen too many litigants sail into court like proud many-masted ships, and leave like pitiful, leaky dinghies with only one oar. I would rather pay back the money, return the car, the clothes and the cat; re-plaster the hole in the wall; pound out the dent in the fender, admit I burned his favorite sweatshirt, provide new carpeting, and whatever else it took to stay a country mile away from the judge. Never would I want to be on the other side of that screen.
Hey! Gotta run. Judge Judys on the tube.
MS. YEAGER IS PRESENTLY AWAITING SENTENCE ON A CHARGE OF MAKING AN OBSCENE GESTURE TO HER EDITOR.
© 2002 by Audrey Yeager. The caricature of Audrey Yeager is ©2001 by Jim Hummel.
The photo of Judge Judy Sheindlin was taken by Aaron Rapoport and is © 1996 by Worldvision. The photo next to it was doctored by Satanic forces.
TO READ WHAT COLUMNIST GERALD NACHMAN HAD TO SAY ABOUT JUDGE JUDY, CLICK HERE: JERRY'S JUDY
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